If You Could See Me On The Other Side

If you could see me on the other side would you run away?
If you could see me on the other side you'd feel my pain.
If you could see me on the other side you'd know I didn't bother getting up today.
If you could see me on the other side you'd know I'm tear-stained.
If you could see me on the other side would you try and make the hurt go away?
If you could see me on the other side you'd see I'm a mess today.
If you could see me on the other side would you continue to change your mind?
If you could see me on the other side could you feel me inside?
If you could see me on the other side would it be so easy to escape?
If you could see me on the other side would you treat me any differently?
If you could see me on the other side you'd know I just can't let go.
If you could see me on the other side you'd know all my insecurities.
If you could see me on the other side you'd know all the hurt you've caused unnecessarily.
If you could see me on the other side you'd only see your reflection.

Ramblings (Really not worth the read)

The heart is a funny thing. It can be most rewarding and full in those fleeting moments of love, but it can crush you and shatter you when misery seeps in. Why do we put ourselves through the emotions of love when it ultimately ends in a heaping mess? Time and time again our hearts get ripped in two and we are left to pick up the pieces that seem to shatter more upon taping and replacing. As I stare blankly at the white cracks in my wall I wonder what I am even doing here. I feel like, at this time, my life has been a bunch of misfortunes and heartbreak as I am just trying to keep my head above water. If I stare long enough, perhaps, I will fade into those cracks and leave this place, but I know people depend on me and that I need to shape up and keep on trekking. Loneliness is a funny thing -you can try and find peace at the bottom of the bottle or cut away the pain and, in some cases, give yourself to anyone willing to take you. Nothing can fill that empty void -no amount of scars will take it away, no amount of liquor will wash it away. Sometimes I feel like there is no point in even writing down my thoughts, they all run together anyway, but here I am writing again. Trying to make sense of all the pain I'm supposed to sort through in my life. We all have pain and I don't know what you're going through or what thoughts you have, but I do know you have pain. I know misery enjoys other misery and dragging people down is a game, but I don't really want to play that game anymore. Oh my God the loneliness. I have much to be thankful for, I have much happiness around me, but sometimes it still feels empty. Like the hole in my heart will swallow me whole if I continue on. I know that's ridiculous, and I know I am ridiculous for writing this. This isn't even a poem. It isn't interesting and it'll just get lost in the world of cyberspace after I hit post. Maybe I am destined to write meaningless posts or maybe this is my outlet so I don't run out in the streets claiming my unseen pain. The anxiety is pulling me under. The moment I feel like I am okay it brings me back down to the reality that I am here in this moment not knowing what the fuck I am doing or where the fuck I am going. I'm stuck. Staying in one place moment after moment carrying sadness in my heart as I go. I have two beautiful ladies that bring me back to those fleeting moments of happiness I was talking about earlier. Their little voices bring me peace when darkness begins to cloud my mind. The days they are with their dad are the hardest. Nothing but the silence screams at me and I find myself sleeping away the pain -because it's better there than in my reality. Maybe the God of this universe created me to really delve into the human mind of anguish. I'm not really sure of my purpose, but I know sitting around writing all about my pain isn't going to accomplish much. I am gonna take one step and put it in front of the other and bring myself out of this hole that I've probably created myself anyway. It's the only way to carry on. I can't continue falling -I've been falling for 14 years and I haven't really picked myself up. My girls deserve the world and I can't provide that if I continue on this path. I won't let myself dry up because they depend on me to be their rock. It's not okay for them to see my weakness, because they need to see strength. I will carry on and I will find peace. I just need to know where to start.

Anxiety

Is my heart so easy to dispose of? Time after time it gets crushed under the weight of the world. Darkness exudes and I find myself in a hole of anxiety.
My heart left unguarded for you to tear. I don't feel like I belong here.
This Earth brings up the demons and I follow blindly underneath their burnt wings.
This isn't a problem another bottle can fix.
The scars are hidden, but underneath they prick like thorns off a rosebush.
I can't even breathe anymore without falling apart.
Have you enjoyed my weakness? Because strength no longer flourishes in the broken.
I'm beaten. You've won your dirty little game.
It's done. I'm finished.
My heart will remain jaded and confused.
And your ugly smile will remain tattooed in my soul.

Yesterday was a Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day.
You know those days where you are so exhausted, stressed and disappointed that everything hits you all at once? That was my yesterday. I know, in my heart, that God is providing me with everything I need. It's the desires that get out of control. Something as simple as the joy of taking my girls to a movie they have been begging to see. Knowing I have to say no -again- because the money just isn't there. I keep picking up more shifts at work and working and working and working and it just feels like I keep constantly coming up short. Then their dad goes and buys a new house (I really am so happy for him) and I get burst of text messages, from my girls, about how cool it is and how they wish that we could have stairs/a fire pit/a better neighborhood to live in. I let myself get too discouraged and I let the weight of the world fall on my shoulders. I had a meltdown.

I have been really working on myself to stay upbeat and positive. God does provides my needs and I  have everything that I need. It's the wants and the things I can't do for my girls that I want to do for them. Everyone keeps saying (well they are in a Christian school and do gymnastics etc etc) I know and I know they are lucky. What people don't know is I am constantly behind on paying those bills because electricity and a house are a little more important than those things. I know CCS is coming to an end for my family and it has been really hard for me to come to terms with. My girls love their friends, their school, and their teachers. It is going to be hard to let that go. The familiarity, the Christian environment I have always longed for my daughters to have. I knew, before they even existed, that this was their school. The past few years they have begun raising prices and families like mine that ride that constant struggle bus are barely affording even with financial assistance. I know these are their last years there and I have had a really hard time coming to terms with it. The most important years for Kylie are around the corner and the thought of her experiencing these make it or break it years in public school downright frightens me. I keep holding onto the hope that God will provide and that it will get easier, but it hasn't so far.

Work has been stressing me out. I go from one job, shuffle kids, to another job. I don't get to enjoy the little breaks with my girls as I am shipping them off to Amaw's, their dads, my mom or their uncle while I bust ass to make ends meet. I have felt so discouraged the last few weeks as my paychecks are barely enough to cover the needs and I know Christmas is around the corner and the wants are going to go by the wayside. It is our new reality and it has been a damn hard one to accept. The wants are just that wants, but a mothers desire is to give her children all the wants in the world.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I let worldly desires get me down and I allowed my feelings to overtake the truths. The truth is that God provides, God never lets me down and He cares about the little things, even when they are selfish. I know all these things are true and I am disappointed I allowed my emotions to get out of control. The last thing I ask for is a pity party and if you know me, you know I rarely cry. It's not what I do. Even as I worked my job last night I couldn't fight back tears of my failures and shortcomings. As my friends encouraged me and told me I am strong, I sat on the bathroom tiles and wept with weakness. I didn't feel that strong. Those moments were hopeless and desperate and discouraging. Everything I felt was too real and I allowed the world to crush me down. I held onto this memory of what my Pastor said in church a few weeks ago when he was doing a sermon on joy -"God wants you to get to the point of total desperation because then is when we cry out to Him!" I wiped my tears, picked myself up, finished out my shift and held onto that memory.

Yesterday was a bad day, but today is a new day. I will stay strong because that is what God has commanded me to do. I won't let the world get me down today. Today is a new day.

But those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

Thanksgiving 2017

The turkey is roasting, the girls are giggling while watching some movie, and the dog is pacing back and forth as if she knows what craziness is about to ensue.
          A year ago me would have cringed knowing that everyone was loading up their food, dogs, families, etc. to head over to my house. I would've been running around trying to keep everything cleaned and spotless so that people didn't think I was a pig. I woulda been overwhelmed because I didn't have time last night to finish the dishes. Not today. I am quietly sipping my Peppermint Mocha coffee thankful that I have children to stress about, enough money to that I have a surplus in my account, and endless amounts of food to fill our bellies. I am so thankful and appreciative this year. Last year I was still in a fog. The divorce left me stressed, impatient, and uncertain of what I wanted out of my life. I am determined not to let anything get me down this year.

Thanksgiving 2017 is about to be in full swing, but first I am going to take a little time to reflect. My life has changed drastically in a year and I couldn't be more thankful. I have a better idea of what I want out of my life this year and I am not going to let anyone stop me.

Well the first round of guests have arrived and I still have so much to do.

Happy Thanksgiving 2017.

Shortcomings and Failures

 I have felt like I had been failing as a parent. My oldest child's latest report card told me I could be doing better in the parenting department. As I have been scrambling to find a new norm and a routine that works well with gymnastics and my work schedule (which is borderline crazy), I have seen where I am lacking. Her Ds were in fact my Ds and I took it personally. I was somehow failing my kid because I cannot keep up. No I told myself, and that is how this vicious cycle started. The questioning of every move I made thinking, knowing it isn't enough. I am pulling the load of two parents and my shortcomings have been obvious. No, I reassure myself that I am not failing. I often have to remind myself that I am human and it is normal to feel like you're failing. That's just another wonderful part of parenting and I need to remember that. I am not failing, but I can be doing better.

About a week ago I made a decision to really get back on the parenting wagon. The last year has been all about finding who I am as a single mom and the kids care went more on the wayside as I tried to get a good handle on who I was and what my new role is as their parent. As I looked at her latest report card I knew I could do better. I will do better.

The last few years I have been going through the motions of going to church. I will get really excited about something, but not want to change my habits in order to make it happen. I was living life for me and God was on the fence waiting for me to come to Him. All that changed six weeks ago when I heard a sermon on Joy. JOY! This was something I hadn't experience in a long time. As I thought back I could name a few joyous occasions: the birth of my daughters, dancing onstage at the tivoli for my recitals, watching my daughter compete in her gymnastics meets, my children's birthday celebrations, etc. but I wanted to live a life of joy not just experience fleeting moments of joy. As I studied and began listening and applying the changes to my life I have seen a difference. Do I still have bad days? Absolutely. Can I find joy in something everyday? YES I CAN. 

My oldest daughter is 9 and while I am really enjoying this age I am also realizing how many changes are just around the corner for her and me. She is nine and she is growing. I know puberty is just around the corner (hopefully a few more years yet!) and I am grasping at straws to make sure I instill modesty, purity, and most of all true friendship into my daughter. The world today is scary. Friendships are where it can make or break my child. You are so easily influenced by your peers and it is horrifying to think of everything they can get into in the next few years. I know I need to start RIGHT NOW in order to keep a good balance. I went out and bought many Christ centered books on parenting and I am writing things down and applying them to our life. I don't want to look back at their childhood and wonder what I could have done better I want to be proactive and do better now, while I still can.

I know that spending QUALITY time with the girls is imperative for their growth, but I am slowly learning QUANTITY is important as well. Young children and tweens especially need their parents to be there to answer any "Secret" questions or model appropriate behaviors for them. Kylie's mind is developing fast and she is starting to question who she is and what she wants out of her life. I can tell you who she is -she is a child of God and He loves her no matter what trials she may go through. My friend has been doing a notebook with her child where they write notes back and forth if it is a particularly hard subject to bring up and so I decided to give this a try. While I have explained our notebook to Kylie I told her we needed to come up with a name for it. She calls it "secret notebook" so we can share secrets back and forth. She seemed pretty pumped at the idea and while she hasn't used it yet I know she will when she is ready. I do not want the notebook to take over our more intimate conversations face to face so we are going to use it as more of a starting point. She will ask a question and I will answer and we will get together and discuss it face to face, just the two of us.

The puberty talk is coming. I have written down kind of a guideline for how I want to start the talk and what we will discuss while using Bible verses to help guide me through the many questions I know she will have. I think I am ready though I am a little nervous.

I spent sometime with Madilyn, my youngest, the other day. I have realized how fast she is growing as well. I know she is not quite a tween and I still have time, but I want her to feel like I am spending ample time with her as well. I decided on picking one thing a week for me and her to do together. She gets to pick the activity and we can do it, uninterrupted, for one hour. As we sat in DQ (the place she picked for us to spend time) I knew I made the right decision to spend some uninterrupted time with my baby.

As I close this rambling I want to say that my pastors sermon on joy has radically changed my life and I have been feeling so fulfilled and inspired. While I do have a lot to work on and a lot of new changes to adjust too I know that this is all for the better. I am so ready and receptive to experience joy the way my God intended.

When...?

When will it stop hurting?

When will I let go?

When can I start breathing?

When will I forget?

When will I stop making excuses?

When will I unmask the pain?

When can I run?

When will I stop hiding?

When will my heart stop beating?

This isn't me

This isn't me.

Or maybe perhaps this isn't the old me. 

My head is clouded with all the things I long to say. 

But nothing makes sense anymore.
Maybe it never really did.
I feel a sense of loss tonight.
And I can't shake the feeling.
Heavy breathing on my left and emptiness on my right.
I can try and piece together what I was anticipating.
Failure lingers too heavy for me to bare.
Anger boils my blood and I know it's for the very reason I get sick to my stomach night after night.
I'm starting to think that maybe this is me now.
Washed up, forgotten, second to last.
Again.
Because I've never been number one to anyone before.
It's distasteful on my part really.
To Let my heart get all vulnerable.
That's what happens when you let your guard down.
I let my guard down.
Again.
Damn I feel stupid.
I feel so incredibly numb that I don't even cry.
Why would I want to anyway?
Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
I've grown apart from myself.
I just long for a familiar scent.
Maybe intimacy.
Or maybe just a listening ear.
It's been well over 24 hours since I've last slept and all I can do is chug down another cup of coffee.
At least it isn't booze.
I could just stare at my reflection, but today I don't need the shame.
Tomorrow I'll do better, but who am I kidding I say that everyday in hopes one day it will be true.
I've fallen and for once I'd like for someone to help me glue back the pieces.
They don't fit anyway.
This isn't me.

everyday is the same

Late nights
Another drink
Ease the pain
Shake the feeling

All the days are the same
Routine and mundane
Round and round
On repeat

Another hit
Drown out the pain
Another smoke
Erase the cuts deep within

Everyday is the same
Another lie
Another time
Another wasted day

To feel is a burden
To say what you're feeling is worse
Won't acknowledge the elephant in the room
To drinking let's drink again

Everyday is the fucking same

Can I Get A Little Help Here??

Worn out from another day.
Being told to forgive when all you feel is pain.
It cuts deep within.
I'm frantic as the tears fall.
Just take me away.
The pain is constant.
The fear of never being enough won't just wash away.
Keep running, keep running until you can escape the pain.
They say it's not my burden to bare.
But I carry it anyway.
Speak truth, but don't break me.
I try so hard to cast out my weaknesses.
The tears keep falling.
Don't point your finger at me.
I could just fade away.
I can't take it, I can't take this.
Did you see right through me?
I cannot breathe.
All these scars.
Forgiveness.
They say I can be free if I forgive.
Free.

The best I'll ever be

Feeling alone tonight
Unscrew the lid to the next bottle
To drown out the pain
The cuts run deeper as the blood dries
Indulging in times of the past
The road to recovery is lonely
Just one last hit
I've told myself this before
Another tragedy strikes
The sorrows bury me alive
My heart can't take much more
My head is spinning
I won't catch up
I withdraw into myself
I'm on my own
Shortness of breath
Sweaty palms
My breath smells of smoke
The scars run deeper
I'll lie awake and wonder
If this is the best I'll ever be

And these are the thoughts of many days while I filter through the mess

Suddenly I feel numb.
My heart strings have been pulled to the point of fraying.
It isn't easy feeling alone.
The world around me is dark and angry.
Good times are tainted with screams.
All I wanted was laughter.
Tears fall as I fake smile because I'm obligated to please.
My heart is hurt and it's easy to see.
Laughter only carries so far before the anger explodes.
It's not like I wanted to leave anyway.
Step off and take a breather.
Learn to spread your wings and soar.
Stay in your boundaries and respect mine.
Hoping the memories will fade.
I keep falling.
I failed at protecting my heart.
Left it so exposed.
My room is dark with a candle light flicker.
I'm alone.

Relationship Suicide

Today I feel jaded.
Whatever the hell that means.
Your eyes have faded into an emptiness, bland, hopelessness.
Your gestures say romance but your tongue expresses ridicule.
Ugly, burnt, my heart goes ballistic in a moment of passion.
Those pessimistic statements linger in every rude and rhetoric bullshit you spew.
Does your heart beat?
Your anger explodes like wild fire.
This is so wrong.
But with every kiss I long for your skin.
I'm not ugly, I'm not ugly, I'm not ugly, but I sure don't feel pretty.

12am and my mind won't stop screaming

Tragedy.
As good things come to an end.

Broken.
It cannot define who I am.

Lies.
Your words were unfaithful.

Mistakes.
My failures are obvious.

Empty.
No emotion.

Heartbroken.
Because the cracks haven't been stitched together.

Tears.
They flow through the pain.

Anger.
Clenched fists never got me anywhere.

Pain.
The scars were visible.

Free.
Experience the world again.

Happiness.
Don't let the pain consume you.

Smile.
Don't let go of your promises.

Love.
Know you are good enough.

Me Versus You

Your eyes pierce through me as if they can see every defect and yet, it's oddly comforting.

It's like you actually see me and all I've become.
Your lust burns into my soul.

I don't feel beautiful, but your eyes tell me a different story.
I become unglued.
Your kiss is like poison to my heart.
A drug I need to consume.
I go under.
The fear of you disappearing is like a dagger to my heart.
Hold onto this breath.
Hold onto this moment.
Gasping for air as you take control.
Don't let go.
Caught in a whirlwind of emotions.
I feel afraid.
A cry out of desperation.
Just pull me in.
Your eyes see right through me.
Hold me close.
I'm weak.
And yet for a fleeting moment I feel as if I am exactly where I belong. 

Been trying to get this out for awhile

There are all these demons
Planting these crazy thoughts in my mind

There are all these scars
Far too many to pretend they don't exist

There are all these fears
Because I've honestly never been enough

There are all these failures
And I'm not sure I can forget them

There are all these worries
Because I've never been who you wanted me to be

There are all these lies
And I can't shake them

There are all these words
And they come fast without thinking

There are all these memories
Tainted with betrayal

There are all these scars

Just Thoughts for 2017

How do you let someone in to the most vulnerable parts of your life?
To judge
To analyze
So exposed.
What if you're rejected because of fears that you have?
Seems beyond repair.
There are all these pieces scattered and you expect someone to help put them back together.
What if the damage can't be undone?
Your loneliness screams to be freed.
The emptiness wants satisfaction
You need to be heard.
You need to be free of lies, deceit, dishonesty.
So there are all these pieces, but you know that works both ways.
What if you just fall apart?
What if disappointment is inevitable?
I can cover the mistakes, but for how long?
What if I'm too damaged?
Felt numb for a long time.
Like the unheard background music no one cares about.
There are scars.
But that can't just be me.
Is it just me?
To play it cool is torture.
Do I wear it on my face?
How do you let your walls down when you've worked so damn hard to guard it with everything you got?
The fear of failure lingers.
There are all these pieces.

What do I even title this?

It's 5:45 am here and I haven't been to sleep yet so bare with me.

Sometimes I feel like I am in control of every little aspect of my life and I have this plan, you know? Like, I know exactly where I am going and what I am doing. Is it possible for someone to come along and just completely change your plans? Like, someone you absolutely didn't expect to change how you feel? 

Like, do you ever second guess yourself so much you literally become so embarrassed because you're like overthinking or overanalyzing? Does anyone else do this? Do you notice body language or lack thereof? Do you think maybe everything has a meaning?

Like, okay, I was pretty deadset on, like breathing and soul searching and whatever all that other bullshit you tell yourself you're going to do. But maybe it's, like way too soon to wonder where I am going. Although I really feel like today everything is just different. And how the hell am I supposed to know if it is? Uuuggghhh.

I know it doesn't make any sense and I know I'm rambling, but it is seriously 6am and we actually had some fucking snow so maybe I'm feeling a little...words words...I'm not good with words. 

I am just feeling big. My emotions are big. My mind is racing 1,000 times faster than it should be and I can't type fast enough to get all the words written in black and white.

Just maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Confused...pretty confused...