I Am Free

Each year brings on new challenges. Every year I vow for it to be better and every year I get stuck in this funk and feel like nothing will ever change.

God has spoken to me so much over the last few months. I am always hesitant of change, but I know that it IS necessary in order to make a happy, peaceful life. I have found my peace. I struggled for much of my life finding out what was missing. I felt like I needed someone or something to complete me (which is totally unrealistic). As I began soul searching and finding out who I am I opened my eyes to all the things I have missed. Focusing on myself is NEEDED it is absolutely something that is worth putting the effort in because I MATTER. I have needed to stop living in a panic, in depression, in waiting, and finally just live. L-I-V-E no matter what Satan throws in my path. I am strong. I am able to handle anything. Anger and pain have always been things I  have struggled with. Why can't my husband understand MY pain? Why can't anyone see that I'M angry? Anger, pain, anger, pain. It was a continuous, corrupted cycle and I couldn't dig myself out of the hole no matter how many Bible verses I read or church services I attended. It takes discipline. It takes SELF discipline. 

When I made a commitment to myself to change it was so hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Turning a negative situation and finding the positive has been a pain in itself, but it makes me see the good in everything. I lose control of this peace thing often, but when I clear my mind and just breathe for a minute I can change my initial reaction to have revenge, or to place blame or to shout hate from the roof tops. I am no longer angry. I no longer hold onto hate for anyone or anything that has happened in my life. It is such a freeing feeling to have finally let go of it all. The pain, although not erased, does not define who I am anymore.

I am loved. Broken, angry, constantly making mistakes, vengeful. I am loved. These are things I turn back too when I feel like my life is going out of my control. It doesn't need to be this way...I hear that all the time. I have finally set myself free. Free from holding the baggage that I will never be good enough for you. Freed myself from the 'fat' comments that were etched in my brain. Freed myself from never believing I would ever be good enough for anyone. Freed myself from casting snap judgments and labels on anything unfamiliar to me. 

I am not perfect, I continue to make mistakes, but I am free.

I am finally at peace.

I am free. 

Girl World

Having girls is an unexpected journey. I am constantly lost in a pile of pink/purple clothing, dresses, tights, lip gloss, nail polish, american girl dolls, and so much more girly thing I can't even remember where they accrued half of it.

When I was pregnant with Kylie Jade. I longed for a son. I couldn't imagine a girl. Pig tails, dresses, pink anything. I was content to stay in my tom boy world forever. I couldn't imagine me toting a daughter to gymnastics classes and was pretty positive I never wanted to see a child perform in the Nutcracker ballet. I wanted to see my son run outside with his dad and skateboard, have that adorable bowl hair cut, and sign him up for football, guitar lessons and baseball. As my journey of pregnancy was beginning I was nervous of seeing an ultrasound that would bust my bubble. That I was, in fact, having a girl.

As John and I headed into see how our baby, the baby I was so hoping would turn out to be a boy, was doing I held my breath. The baby was sticking out its tongue helping themselves to what I had for breakfast that morning. "This baby does not want anyone to know what it is," the technician said. I was grinding my teeth just waiting for: "it's a boy!" To be announced. She jiggled the machine around as she tried a different angle. "It's a girl!" What? A girl? You gotta be kidding me right now. I held my breath for a minute. "A girl?" I asked, somewhat surprised. I could feel my bubble bursting. The images of  my son, with his dad, skateboarding were distant, fading. A girl? What in the world would I do with a girl? I didn't like girly anything. I grew up watching WWE wrestling and playing outside with my brother. I was into basketball, and hip hop dancing and just anything that wasn't...girly. Makeup? Are you freaking kidding me! I can't do the makeup thing. Dresses? I remember running away whenever a dress was shown to me in the stores. This. Cannot. Be. Happening. "A girl?" I asked again...trying to hold back the tears. I could feel them forming in my eyes. Quick, act excited, don't let this embarrassing moment become even more so embarrassing. I did the best I could to keep the tears at bay, but I knew as soon as I entered the car I was going to lose it.

When I got home I pulled out the baby book I had received. I had already wrote my sons name in it. I looked at the two outfits my husband and I bought for our children when we would get older. A red and white dress. Velvety red on top, white layered white skirt dotted with red roses on the bottom. Then I looked at the black, fake leather, motorcycle jacket we had bought for our son. The image of him running around in this at two years old was gone. My son wasn't there anymore. It was replaced with this dress and I was just going to have to face that fact. I threw the baby book away, took a deep breath and readied myself for a girl.

I had a pink baby shower, my daughter, Kylie Jade's, room was painted a light green (for Jade). Butterflies and flowery purple bedding littered her room and I was getting very excited about a girl. Girls aren't so bad. I knew I'd have more kids and I  had another chance or two for a boy, right?

May 29th and I was sent to the hospital to give birth to my baby. I was nervous. So nervous. I mean I was only 20 years old. Would she be pretty? Would she have bad genes and end up being overweight? Would she and I be close? Would she hate me? Would she change my heart? Would I fall in love with her instantly and be so happy that she was a girl? Would she make that longing for a boy, a son, finally disappear?

May 30, 2008 at 5:43 pm she was here. They held her up, but there was three of her and she was whisked away. Where was she? Where was my little girl? Everyone else was filing into the room to hold her and I just wanted a glimpse of her, the real her, not three of them. When she was finally handed to me I couldn't help myself. I started crying. She was beautiful. Perfect even. Why did I want a son? This child, was the most beautiful kid I have ever seen in my life. She was so tiny. The smallest thing I ever remember holding. She smelled like baby. The world was hers for the taking and I knew at that moment I would give her everything. My time, my money, my heart. She was just perfect.

As her sister made her entrance into the world I found that longing for a son going away. I don't need a son to complete my family. My girls have done that for me. As I lay in the hospital bed giving birth to my second daughter, on May 11th, 2011 at 12:58 pm it was magical. She was a chunk of baby and the cutest little crier on the planet. I didn't realize my heart could double in size, but it did. She was beautiful, perfect, and she made my daughter a big sister. I knew there would be jealousy, and I knew I would be lost in total girl world for the rest of my life. But looking at my two girls, my family growing by 2 feet, I knew it was all okay. Having a son would never have given me the bond I have with my girls. We share something special only mother and daughters can. And even when I have one angry at me, which is currently happening, it's okay. I know in a few hours she will be over it and she will be asking to bake with me, sing with me, play with me. I am okay with stepping over Doc Mcstuffins toys that litter my floor, I'm okay with the constant nagging of, "can we put on makeup!" I am okay with not having a son. I couldn't imagine it 8 years ago, but I'm living it now. It's beautiful, it's messy, but it's my life. And if I were to ever get pregnant again I would want another daughter, to share my time with, to talk about makeup, to share the secret of boys, and to buy dresses for. There is nothing better in this world than the bond I  have with my daughters. They've made me into a better person and I will always strive to give them everything down to the last piece of my heart.

Kylie Jade and myself

Kylie Jade's 1st brithday

Kylie Jade's 1st Christmas

This kid made me a mommy

My little Kai-Lan obsessed girl

The day my heart doubled in size

My sweet baby girl Madilyn

Me and Madilyn

The day I became a mommy: Kylie Jade

She's 5 folks

Madilyn's 3rd birthday

My superstar

Car line fun with my baby Madilyn

We got into all sorts of shenanigans 

My girls 

My world

Prek/2nd Grade

We are well into 2016 as it is already mid-January. Here are a few things I have learned with a prekinder and 2nd grader.

Prek:
-Do not ever forget show - n- tell day. If you do you will live with that regret well into 2016.
-Do not forget library day,  if the little one cannot check out a book it will be the end of her world and you will reap the consequences when you get home.
-Surprise them by coming to eat lunch with them. They are at this magical age where they are so proud of you and want to show you to their friends. Soak it up. It won't last.
-Painted nails are important in Prek after all you can make AB AABB ABB patterns with them, and that puts you at the top of the popularity pyramid.
-Pack a small treat or a loving note in their lunch box. They will come home talking about how excited they were to receive it.
-Class parties are important, be on time, show up, and show your child you care. They will thank you later.
-Keep in touch with their teachers, even though it is "just prek." You will be so excited to hear all the wonderful, and funny stories they have about your child.
-If they don't like the lunch you packed that day they will not eat it and will come home whiny and "starving."
-Listen to the stories they tell, sometimes they get details wrong and it makes for a hilarious journal post.
-Bundle them up in the winter recess is an important part of Prekinders day and you definitely don't want a sick/cold child the following day.
-Make sure to get hugs/kisses in the car before drop off because they will see friends and be long gone in a heart beat and leave you hanging (unintentionally of course!)
-Most of all soak up every bit of this age, it goes so quickly, and before you know it they will be into second semester and you will be seeing the words KINDERGARTEN far too often for your liking. They are still impressionable and still learning through play and their surroundings. Keep them close.

2nd Grade:
-Parties are still cool and you're attendance is expected. If you miss ONE party the attitude to ensue will definitely not be worth missing that 30 mins of sheer hell.
-2nd graders grow...fast...those once sweet little faces you adorned upon in Kindergarten have now transformed into missing teeth, "cool" hair, and facial expressions you thought only preteens knew.
-Not packing some type of dessert with lunch will land you in the "non cool kid" category. HOLY CRAP MOM JUST PACK THE KID A FRIGGIN FRUIT ROLL UP!!!
-Recess is important, if you pick them up before their 20 minutes is up you will never hear the end of it.
-Asking your daughter to finish her math homework is asking for a fight. The eye rolling, the comments of how "you don't know anything!" Are sure to make for an unpleasant evening.
-Keeping in touch with the teachers is a must at this age. Grades actually matter in 2nd grade.
-Try to hold it together when calling out words for them to spell. Many groans, eye rolling, flipping around, and guessing will prompt you to want to rip every hair out of your head...at least the white ones anyway.
-Walking them to class is still fun for them so when you have the extra 8 mins to spare walk them in and look around as they show you what they have been doing in school. These little glimpses into a world you aren't apart of are very important in keeping a close bond.
-Remember they are still little, fragile humans with feelings that are HUGE they need you to listen to them vent, and they need your hugs and kisses still. They are not sure of all these new feelings or how to navigate their world and you are their safe zone. So no matter how much they back talk/roll their eyes/comment on how you don't know anything they are just letting off steam from having to behave all day. You are their number one constant and school is starting to be a heavy load. Just remember they are still that sweet, little baby that you held and kissed all over they are just a bigger version with much more expression than screaming. Enjoy it! Before you know it they will be in 3rd grade!