If You Could See Me On The Other Side

If you could see me on the other side would you run away?
If you could see me on the other side you'd feel my pain.
If you could see me on the other side you'd know I didn't bother getting up today.
If you could see me on the other side you'd know I'm tear-stained.
If you could see me on the other side would you try and make the hurt go away?
If you could see me on the other side you'd see I'm a mess today.
If you could see me on the other side would you continue to change your mind?
If you could see me on the other side could you feel me inside?
If you could see me on the other side would it be so easy to escape?
If you could see me on the other side would you treat me any differently?
If you could see me on the other side you'd know I just can't let go.
If you could see me on the other side you'd know all my insecurities.
If you could see me on the other side you'd know all the hurt you've caused unnecessarily.
If you could see me on the other side you'd only see your reflection.

Ramblings (Really not worth the read)

The heart is a funny thing. It can be most rewarding and full in those fleeting moments of love, but it can crush you and shatter you when misery seeps in. Why do we put ourselves through the emotions of love when it ultimately ends in a heaping mess? Time and time again our hearts get ripped in two and we are left to pick up the pieces that seem to shatter more upon taping and replacing. As I stare blankly at the white cracks in my wall I wonder what I am even doing here. I feel like, at this time, my life has been a bunch of misfortunes and heartbreak as I am just trying to keep my head above water. If I stare long enough, perhaps, I will fade into those cracks and leave this place, but I know people depend on me and that I need to shape up and keep on trekking. Loneliness is a funny thing -you can try and find peace at the bottom of the bottle or cut away the pain and, in some cases, give yourself to anyone willing to take you. Nothing can fill that empty void -no amount of scars will take it away, no amount of liquor will wash it away. Sometimes I feel like there is no point in even writing down my thoughts, they all run together anyway, but here I am writing again. Trying to make sense of all the pain I'm supposed to sort through in my life. We all have pain and I don't know what you're going through or what thoughts you have, but I do know you have pain. I know misery enjoys other misery and dragging people down is a game, but I don't really want to play that game anymore. Oh my God the loneliness. I have much to be thankful for, I have much happiness around me, but sometimes it still feels empty. Like the hole in my heart will swallow me whole if I continue on. I know that's ridiculous, and I know I am ridiculous for writing this. This isn't even a poem. It isn't interesting and it'll just get lost in the world of cyberspace after I hit post. Maybe I am destined to write meaningless posts or maybe this is my outlet so I don't run out in the streets claiming my unseen pain. The anxiety is pulling me under. The moment I feel like I am okay it brings me back down to the reality that I am here in this moment not knowing what the fuck I am doing or where the fuck I am going. I'm stuck. Staying in one place moment after moment carrying sadness in my heart as I go. I have two beautiful ladies that bring me back to those fleeting moments of happiness I was talking about earlier. Their little voices bring me peace when darkness begins to cloud my mind. The days they are with their dad are the hardest. Nothing but the silence screams at me and I find myself sleeping away the pain -because it's better there than in my reality. Maybe the God of this universe created me to really delve into the human mind of anguish. I'm not really sure of my purpose, but I know sitting around writing all about my pain isn't going to accomplish much. I am gonna take one step and put it in front of the other and bring myself out of this hole that I've probably created myself anyway. It's the only way to carry on. I can't continue falling -I've been falling for 14 years and I haven't really picked myself up. My girls deserve the world and I can't provide that if I continue on this path. I won't let myself dry up because they depend on me to be their rock. It's not okay for them to see my weakness, because they need to see strength. I will carry on and I will find peace. I just need to know where to start.

Anxiety

Is my heart so easy to dispose of? Time after time it gets crushed under the weight of the world. Darkness exudes and I find myself in a hole of anxiety.
My heart left unguarded for you to tear. I don't feel like I belong here.
This Earth brings up the demons and I follow blindly underneath their burnt wings.
This isn't a problem another bottle can fix.
The scars are hidden, but underneath they prick like thorns off a rosebush.
I can't even breathe anymore without falling apart.
Have you enjoyed my weakness? Because strength no longer flourishes in the broken.
I'm beaten. You've won your dirty little game.
It's done. I'm finished.
My heart will remain jaded and confused.
And your ugly smile will remain tattooed in my soul.