I Am Worth The Wait.

Quite often I find myself questioning my existence. Like, what purpose do I have on this Earth? I'm not liked by many, and the people who are supposed to be closest to me run and hide. I can't even get a hug without getting rejected first. I have felt useless for most of the past year. I get these highs were I feel like my world will be okay, but then I spiral downward and it is so hard to get out of the funk I am constantly in.

My children seem to be most identifiable by me. It seems everyone doesn't even see the real me because of my gorgeous girls. And that's okay. I mean I wanted both of my girls with everything in me and I am okay only being seen from behind them. Right now anyway. I, realistically, know I have a place, but trying to show others who want to stay blind to my changes has been a challenge.

I've kept in control of my emotions for the past year, for the most part, and I can see the world more clearly. I feel with more than anger and it has been a wild experience. I don't allow myself to hide behind hate anymore. I'm learning to love and let go of the pain. It isn't easy and often times I find myself reverting back, but I have to just breathe and remind myself that God is on my side. Always. Nothing I do will change that. I have struggled to have a true relationship with my God and it hasn't been easy. I'm not so great with the praying and I definitely don't attend church consistently week by week, but I want to feel loved and be loved and love with my whole self. It is hard. So hard. Especially when I take everything to heart and filter through the bad and the good. As I am learning to control my anger I have found I am way more sensitive than I ever have been. If you say something to me and I hear it the wrong way or take it the wrong way my guard comes back up. I hate being hurt and not caring was the best way to handle that for me, but it isn't the best way to handle that for everyone and I don't want my girls growing up thinking I felt zero emotions aside from anger.

I'm still quite the work in progress. I have set many goals for myself within the past year. I wanted to yell less and speak softer, I wanted to surround the world around me with love instead of anger and annoyance (which I still fail at often), I wanted to be a better wife and hear my husband more, I wanted to be a better parent and listen to my kids and discipline in better ways and be consistent and follow through on punishments more and not threaten what I am not going to do. I just want to be a better person and build a closer relationship with the Lord. I know I am worth waiting for. I know I am more than just Kylie and Madilyn's mom. I know I can be a better person all around. Express more empathy and show more kindness. I want to start in my home though. I want to show my husband he is the world to my little family and that his hard work is appreciated. I want my girls to know I love them, even when punishment is handed out to them. I want my house to be for the Lord.

As hectic as my schedule is I want to take the time this year to reflect on my life. The people around me. The world around me and spread the love. Big changes are coming and I am prepared for anything. Even if love isn't received back to me I want to love always through thick and thin. I want to make things right when everything is all wrong. It's a goal for the rest of the year and onto the next. A goal I may never achieve, but I want to honestly say to myself that I have done everything I could do. I have tried when I felt like the weight was too much to bear. I never gave up when I was given the cold shoulder. I just want to spread joy, love and cheer to everyone around me. That is going to be work for this year, but I believe I have it in me to do it! This is my purpose to prove that I can change from the inside out and show the people who doubt me that I am worth the wait. I am worth the wait.

It's All Going To Be Okay

I pray on a constant basis for my marriage, for the protection of my children, and for my soul. I bend often, but I have trouble letting go. I fail at so many things. When striving for perfection I fall short every single time. There is no escape from failure. It's a part of life. The only thing we can hope for is to learn from those failures and mistakes and keep pressing on. Life takes a heavy toll, my heart is weak, my mind races often with things of little importance, but it doesn't stop. The overwhelming anxiety I feel constantly makes me itchy, nervous. I feel so alone and then I feel so overwhelmed and coddled. It is a nightmare. My nightmare that I struggle with over and over and over again. It maximizes my failure and the failure of others. I constantly think of every situation and what could have been different. I can't shut my brain off. The wheels are constantly turning. Over and over and over again. I feel lost, a lot. Like I always catch the last part of every conversation. I am never present at the moment always contemplating what the next move is. I can't control the future. I can't control time. I can't control anything. So much pressure to let it all go, and I am overwhelmed at the beginning.

For a long time I thought it was me, I was weird, and I'd never learn to cope. As people have come in and out of my life I have realized how this is so untrue. I may be weird (for different reasons), but it sure is NOT uncommon to feel complete anxiety and stress. It has caused a strain in my life and I am sure it has in all my friends lives that I know struggle with this. It can be defeated and it can be controlled. I struggle with it every day, but I know it can be done. The overwhelming pressure to be perfect, to be pretty much everything I am not ever going to be has caused so much anxiety for me. I had to learn to let go. LET GO! For those who like to be in charge and take control of their lives this is almost impossible to wrap your brain around. Disappointments are maximized, failures are maximized, all those heavy emotions are maximized. It is so hard to control when you feel so out of control. I am learning, I am failing, but I am getting back up and trying again. 

This life isn't about winning, it's not about the battles it's about the reward at the end of the battles. What is waiting at the finish line. The only way to win is to submit. Submit the power, submit the control, submit to the reality that this life is only ours for an instant. Their lives are only mine for an instant. It will be over soon and what will I have to show for it? Stress? Anxiety? Mistakes? Worry? It's just something to ponder while you stay awake at night juggling through everything gone wrong.

You can't change the past,  but the futures up for grabs.  

Holiday Cheer

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is almost here.  I love this time of year once Halloween is over you hit the ground running with Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I believe The Holiday season starts the day after Halloween.  I just get this rush of excitement.  Christmas music on the radio, Christmas decorations flooding the stores.  Some say it's way too early,  but I am totally in the Christmas spirit at the beginning of November.

I just love this time of year with the lights,  music,  and traditions.  I love seeing my girls grow and blossom as they hit their half age milestones.  I love getting and decorating our Christmas tree.  I love decorating my house period.  I love the smell of fresh baked sugar cookies and love seeing the mess of icing and the girls making memories.  Ah,  the holiday season is just fantastic.

I'm about done with the kids for Christmas and I really believe they will have a wonderful year.  I can't wait to see their faces Christmas morning... Well I can wait because we have so much to look forward too in the month and a half we have til Christmas morning.  Until then I will bask in the beauty of this holiday season.

Happy Thanksgiving and a Merry Christmas!