In the stillness of my busy life I find myself searching. Searching for answers. Searching for hope. Searching for forgiveness. Searching for a way to get rid of jealousy. Searching for faith. Searching for a place of worship. Searching for quiet. Searching the depths of my soul to learn who I am. I search the internet in hopes of being a better parent, I search books at the library on how to cleanse my soul from my impurity. I search up and down and inside out for answers on all of life's toughest questions. I find my answers through His word. Through Christ I find strength and the searching doesn't have to be so desperate. I have longed for companionship and yet I have a companion in the Lord. I have longed for answers on where I am supposed to be in my life and yet I know God is holding my very life in His hands, waiting for me to ask, worship and pray so I can be directed in whatever it is He has chosen for me.
I have been doing a daily devotional with the wonderful little ladies in my life. I separate each girl so I can get the maximum out of them as we worship, read and talk. In our walk of faith we stumbled upon Proverbs 13:20 "walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm."
Whoa, I read it the first time. I had Madilyn then, read it out of her own Bible. I was stunned. In reality we all know that who you surround yourself with is who you are going to be more like. My walk of faith has been strained, I have let Satan beat me down and pull me under too many times to count, but I also contribute to that. A LOT. I allow myself to be surrounded by people who are going to pull me down rather than hold me up. I need to be held accountable for poor actions. I need for someone to breathe life into me instead of breathing fire. I have been surrounding myself around the very people I pray my daughters DO NOT surround themselves with. It was like a hole opened up and I stumbled inside and I couldn't find my way out. Kylie was next, she read that bible verse and had a lot to say about it. I crumbled. I became like putty in God's hands as He guided me on all the right words to say to Kylie about friendships, and I can only give that glory to God as I can't even recall the wonderful things I had said to her. I do know we have talked about this bible verse more in the past week than we have any other verse. I want my girls to be wise in who they pick as a friend. Proverbs 12:26 states, "One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." and 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, "Do not be deceived: "Bad company ruins good morals." I can pray these bible verses over my girls in hopes that they continue to choose their friends wisely and steer clear of bad company, just like I have had to learn to do. I want the power of the Lord working inside me so much that my wheels are constantly turning on how to improve this world. I want all the little children to see God's love moving through me. I want my girls to see me being kind, loving, and forgiving in every opportunity that is thrown my way. And most importantly I want to pick the wisest of friends so my girls see the love of Christ; always.
I have prayed for opportunities to be a better mother. Kylie, in particular, has tested my patience over and over again recently. Last night as I was stroking her beautiful blonde locks I looked down at her freckled face and said, "you know I love watching you grow into such a confident, smart, hilarious little girl." She gazed at me, her blue eyes illuminating my dark room, "really?" She asked kind of scoffing, "you want me to grow up? You always say you don't want me to grow!" I thought about this, which is so true, I often tell my girls, jokingly, to stop growing. Who doesn't want their kiddos to freeze in time and remain the same for just a little bit longer? I stared back at her listening to her even breath as she breathed slowly in and out in and out in and out. "Kylie," I stated, "I so want you to grow and I also, sometimes, want you to remain as you are. There are always battles parents face, and one day you will understand. We always love watching our little people turn into these amazing humans, but we also want to hold onto you as a baby, toddler, preschooler, elementary aged child just a little bit longer. I want you to know, though, that no matter what I do not want you to stop growing because I cannot wait to see the amazing things my God has in store for you, love." She smiled, sighed and responded with, "mommy, you are a good good mommy." Shortly after she drifted off to sleep her eyes fluttering slowly and then shutting completely. Oh my, my heart melted. I looked at her beautiful, sleeping face and just wanted to freeze time, again, but I don't have to freeze time anymore those words will remain etched in my heart forever. God is working in me. I don't have to yell anymore to get my point across (although, no lies, I sometimes still do), and I don't have to berate or belittle or get angry when something isn't going fast enough (or let's face it: my way). I can problem solve and talk with my girls and stop allowing time to slip away. They need me and I need them and I am all in this parenting game even when I am at my wits end.
All this to say I am changing, God has His mighty hand over my thoughts, my heart and my life and for the first time in a long time I am allowing Him to steer my path. He alone can complete every need in my life. He can breathe life into me and steer me onto His course. He alone can help me as I navigate the world and continue to figure out what He wants to use me for. He alone gives me the words to say when I am feeling completely overwhelmed and He alone will use me for whatever purpose He needs me for. I think I have finally set this free. This constant nagging in my soul that I am not being used to my full potential. The constant fear that I need someone to do life with. The constant shame when I fail to do His work in the way I know I am supposed too. Today I set it free. Today is a new day and I know He is guiding me in the way I should go. Today I have found the very thing I have been searching and searching for. The answer has always been in front of me I just turned a blind eye because I wanted something more profound. Lord, you are leading me, you are guiding me and I am fulfilling my purpose every day. When I teach I teach in His power and grace. When I talk with a parent I am spreading the love and joy of Christ. When I guide my friends and when they guide me I am allowing God to speak His hope and joy through me. I have found my purpose and my long, lost search has finally come to an end. If I stop and enjoy what is around me, and stop waiting for something better to come along I can enjoy life more freely. God has changed me. He has transformed me and I am renewed. Thank you God, for allowing me to expose my vulnerabilities and not feeling ashamed of them. Thank you God, for working in me and not giving up on me. Thank you God, for children who forgive me even when I don't deserve it. Thank you God, for always loving me even when I continue to make the same mistake over and over again.
I am redeemed.
