12am and my mind won't stop screaming

Tragedy.
As good things come to an end.

Broken.
It cannot define who I am.

Lies.
Your words were unfaithful.

Mistakes.
My failures are obvious.

Empty.
No emotion.

Heartbroken.
Because the cracks haven't been stitched together.

Tears.
They flow through the pain.

Anger.
Clenched fists never got me anywhere.

Pain.
The scars were visible.

Free.
Experience the world again.

Happiness.
Don't let the pain consume you.

Smile.
Don't let go of your promises.

Love.
Know you are good enough.

Me Versus You

Your eyes pierce through me as if they can see every defect and yet, it's oddly comforting.

It's like you actually see me and all I've become.
Your lust burns into my soul.

I don't feel beautiful, but your eyes tell me a different story.
I become unglued.
Your kiss is like poison to my heart.
A drug I need to consume.
I go under.
The fear of you disappearing is like a dagger to my heart.
Hold onto this breath.
Hold onto this moment.
Gasping for air as you take control.
Don't let go.
Caught in a whirlwind of emotions.
I feel afraid.
A cry out of desperation.
Just pull me in.
Your eyes see right through me.
Hold me close.
I'm weak.
And yet for a fleeting moment I feel as if I am exactly where I belong. 

Been trying to get this out for awhile

There are all these demons
Planting these crazy thoughts in my mind

There are all these scars
Far too many to pretend they don't exist

There are all these fears
Because I've honestly never been enough

There are all these failures
And I'm not sure I can forget them

There are all these worries
Because I've never been who you wanted me to be

There are all these lies
And I can't shake them

There are all these words
And they come fast without thinking

There are all these memories
Tainted with betrayal

There are all these scars

Just Thoughts for 2017

How do you let someone in to the most vulnerable parts of your life?
To judge
To analyze
So exposed.
What if you're rejected because of fears that you have?
Seems beyond repair.
There are all these pieces scattered and you expect someone to help put them back together.
What if the damage can't be undone?
Your loneliness screams to be freed.
The emptiness wants satisfaction
You need to be heard.
You need to be free of lies, deceit, dishonesty.
So there are all these pieces, but you know that works both ways.
What if you just fall apart?
What if disappointment is inevitable?
I can cover the mistakes, but for how long?
What if I'm too damaged?
Felt numb for a long time.
Like the unheard background music no one cares about.
There are scars.
But that can't just be me.
Is it just me?
To play it cool is torture.
Do I wear it on my face?
How do you let your walls down when you've worked so damn hard to guard it with everything you got?
The fear of failure lingers.
There are all these pieces.

What do I even title this?

It's 5:45 am here and I haven't been to sleep yet so bare with me.

Sometimes I feel like I am in control of every little aspect of my life and I have this plan, you know? Like, I know exactly where I am going and what I am doing. Is it possible for someone to come along and just completely change your plans? Like, someone you absolutely didn't expect to change how you feel? 

Like, do you ever second guess yourself so much you literally become so embarrassed because you're like overthinking or overanalyzing? Does anyone else do this? Do you notice body language or lack thereof? Do you think maybe everything has a meaning?

Like, okay, I was pretty deadset on, like breathing and soul searching and whatever all that other bullshit you tell yourself you're going to do. But maybe it's, like way too soon to wonder where I am going. Although I really feel like today everything is just different. And how the hell am I supposed to know if it is? Uuuggghhh.

I know it doesn't make any sense and I know I'm rambling, but it is seriously 6am and we actually had some fucking snow so maybe I'm feeling a little...words words...I'm not good with words. 

I am just feeling big. My emotions are big. My mind is racing 1,000 times faster than it should be and I can't type fast enough to get all the words written in black and white.

Just maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Confused...pretty confused...