Shame

 What else is out there waiting for me? 

This can’t be it. 

This can’t be life. 

This can’t be my life. 

Day after day.

Same after same. 

Dull, bored, nothing. 

I don’t feel a thing. 

Cut after cut.

High after high. 

Is there anything else out there? 

Any risks to be taken? 

Wandering alone as the night falls. 

Running, screaming, laughing, anger. 

No weakness. 

No tears. 

No turning back.

Step after step.

Dreary, hopeless, nothing. 

I tumble.

I crash.

I’m headed nowhere.

Nothing to prove.

No one to follow.

Empty, broken, bored.

Come back down to earth.

Everything’s the same.

I still feel nothing.

Trapped inside my head

Will I ever move beyond the mistakes I have made? 

I fall short time and time again 

Will my failures always define me? 

Will I ever find my way? 

There’s no way out 

Trapped inside my head 

Fighting to be heard 

Demanding to be seen 

Aching…

Breathing… 

And off I go 

Is there life after death? 

Anybody waiting for me? 

I disappeared in the night 

Screamed…

And nothing changed 

Will I always feel this pain?

Determined to fill this hole?  

I’m my biggest danger to myself

Wandering alone in the night

Searching…

Is there life after death? 

Or…

Just darkness

Just me and the stars

Will there ever be a time I don’t feel like this? 

Frustrated, attacked, burdened, worn

Sometimes there’s just so much to feel 

I’ll choose not to feel anything at all 

So tired of chasing shadows that weren’t meant to be caught

So tired of holding secrets that aren’t meant to be kept 

Tired of searching ways to numb the scars on my heart

Why must I be so self destructive? 

Why do I make the wrong decision every time? 

A happy dagger turns into guilt

An innocent joint turns to much more  

So tired of bleeding 

So tired of screaming 

But mostly I’m tired of hiding

Sharing secrets with the bottle 

Chasing insipid dreams while the moon laughs 

Staring into the mouth of the universe 

Just me and the stars 

 

An itch to be anywhere but here

 An itch to be anywhere but here 

Running but not quite sure from what 

Sad that the ones who are supposed to care have disappointed again

Felt disposable because you were never around 

All I wanted was for you to be around 

I’ve got an itch to be anywhere but here 

Spread my wings and soar far away from this place 

Feeling ready to take on this world 

Leaving history behind  

I turn the pages to rewrite my story 

I close the book on the pain from my past 

Headstrong that I can face another day 

Rewriting my future to fill the hole inside of me  

I’ve got an itch to be anywhere but here 

Spread my wings and soar far away from this place 

Feeling ready to take on this world 

Leaving history behind  

I have never been alone even though I’ve felt it in my veins 

I have never been left in the darkest places without you coming after me 

I’ve always been running and you’ve always been right behind chasing me 

Letting me find out who I am without letting me fall

I’ve got an itch to be anywhere but here 

Spread my wings and soar far away from this place 

Feeling ready to take on this world 

Leaving history behind 

My deepest regret is not sticking around 

Filling this void with the things of the world 

There is so much beauty here 

Sometimes I forget to really look 

I’ve got an itch to be anywhere but here 

Spread my wings and soar far away from this place 

Feeling ready to take on this world 

Leaving history behind 

In the end I’ll keep running because it is what I do best 

Spiraling out of control when my emotions aren’t checked 

I just keep running because there will never be an escape 

I keep going because I’m trying to get away from this place 

I’ve got an itch to be anywhere but here 

Spread my wings and soar far away from this place 

Feeling ready to take on this world 

I’ll leave my history behind me 

The only thing I’m running away from is me 

The only thing I’m running away from is me 

The only thing I’m running away from is me 

And it’s not your job to save me from myself 

By Design

 We were all created by design 

I often wonder what design was meant for me 

I have wandered aimlessly for a long time 

Searching for that spark inside of me 

Everyone around me has already flown 

My wings have felt heavy 

Taken a look deep inside to find 

Emptiness

Loneliness

Sadness 

Had given up on myself a long time ago 

Just waiting for the end 

But I don’t have to be finished yet 

I can just end this chapter and write a new one

Challenge myself to find peace

To stop being so

Restless 

Aimless

Pointless 

To take what was never given to me 

Everyone was created by design 

Just takes some of us longer to find it 

No Happy Endings

 In the middle of the chaos I learned to blend in early 

There was never enough energy to go around 

I’d slip right through the cracks

Never held accountable for my mistakes 

Never learned life lessons 

Everyone was growing 

I was staying the same

No growth, no understanding, no motivation 

Haven’t healed from the crippling anxiety 

Haven’t come to terms with the failures 

Wasn’t one to break the mold 

Only the one to stir up the trouble so someone could understand what was going on inside 

Fight or flight and I flew like the wind 

Haven’t turned back and I’m still running 

Cuts to explain the pain 

Weed to fog my brain 

There’s just a hole and everyone can see through me 

The thing that is missing 

 It’s always been a part of me 

 Never knowing what felt safe

Just wanting someone to understand me 

Understand my fucked up mind 

Understand what I can’t even see 

There are those people that just keep spiraling 

There’s got to be an end 

Maybe, somehow, there’s a happy ending for me after all 

What have I done

The darkness surrounds the shadows making them fade like that last lingering cloud after a rain shower 

The demons catch me off guard because the bedroom is supposed to be a safe haven

Every dirty secret kept tally marked against the post on the bed frame. 

What have I done? 

The sounds of a forgotten lullaby lulling me to sleep 

Every strand of hair stands up on my body as I suck in every breath to escape the noises in my head 

The smell of fear takes a hold of me and reminds me of every reason why the bitterness remains 

Screams are no longer heard through the cracks in the foundation 

A knife slicing virgin flesh to erase the memories 

A darkened heart scarred and terrorized  

The people who are supposed to love me the most and it’s a constant let down 

A heart that’s ready to stop fighting 

A life that’s ready to stop living  

The sunrise surrounds the darkness bringing light like the candles at a memorial service 

Another fuzzy night clouded in haze to try and work through  

I look down and all the anger is apparent 

What have I done? 

The passing of time

 The ships keep on sailing until the end of time 

But time is one thing we never get back 

Grieving the days of the past 

Mourning the loss of all the things we cannot change 

Time keeps moving 

In some ways it seems that time is circling around us

Watching children grow into young adults molded and scarred by the world 

Time carries on 

There are times the tears stream and roll and you wonder where it all went wrong 

Just take me backwards so I can fix all that has been broken, mend the anger and patch up the hate 

Time stops for no one 

You don’t realize you’re watching your parents grow old right in front of you as you demand everything they have and suck their energy deflating them further than who they wanted to be 

As you blink and carry on through the wonderment of childhood 

Battling all the torments of the world - never knowing when your breath will be the last one 

Time will never stand still 

A grandparent passes and you realize that time doesn’t care if you’re ready it will continue ticking 

Ticking until that’s all you can hear 

Time passing 

Children don’t keep - and you waste your time waiting for the new milestones -that you often forget to enjoy the ones you’re in

Until you look back and all you have are photos and memories you’ll never have again

Baby toes and bottle feeding end in what feels like an eternity until all you have are eye rolls, feet stomping, back talking teenagers and you understand that babies will never keep 

Wishing time will pass in a constant stream of every day life - if I can just get through this work day, this hour, this month until you wake up and realize you wished your life away 

Everyday is passing And they feel like they are all the same 

Wrinkles begin to take over - white begins to shimmer in your once brown hair 

The breath you’re breathing could be your last 

Your body creaks and breaks underneath you giving up when it was just young and healthy not long ago 

You’re fading understanding that your time is coming 

All the memories are flooding back - refusing to accept that this is where it ends 

This is where it all ends 

Time’s a thief 

Abandoned

 One ugly weed amongst the most magnificent flowers 

Always overlooked, stomped all over 

Bent

Never broken

Growing in the middle of beauty 

I’m an oversight 

Finally plucked, discarded never measured up to all that beauty 

Forgotten, rotting, wasting away 

Thought I could suck all that beauty 

Take what wasn’t mine 

In the end I lie alone

Forgotten

Abandoned 

Alone

Down Below

Fuzzy brain and out of ideas 

Tell the shrink what she wants to hear 

Cut one deeper

Like the trauma on my sleeve 

Cut one deeper 

Like the shadows in my dream 

Falling, never quite reaching below 

Chasing my shadows 

underneath me 

Fuzzy brain, wounded heart

Heaven is so far from here   

Pulling off the petals one by one 

So far from where you started 

Keep inhaling, let it seep in your lungs 

Don’t worry about tomorrow 

Give zero fucks about today 

Let the promises hold true for another day 

Cut one deeper 

The damage is done 

Trapped

 As the color of rainbows bursts from within

At glance just one lonely flower amongst the weeds

I can’t break down these barriers in front of me 

Floating high life’s miserable touch 

Below I see all the things I was supposed to be

Can’t shake the pain of this rejection

Falling so far

My feelings are like glue 

Stuck, no fun, a mess within

All the things I said I’d never be

Stick on the inside 

I found an escape

Make sense of it all

Despite who I said I’d be 

I’m just one lonely flower amongst the weeds

Trapped