Love is such a tender thing

Love is such a tender thing with it it brings joy, happiness, pain and sadness. You go through life being told you have to find a 'mate' to love and that is the most important thing, but they never told you what being apart from the one you love most can do to your heart. Have you ever experienced the ache so deep that it brings you to your knees? Not been able to move because the sadness overwhelms? Felt like you were walking drunkenly because your view was so distorted? Being ripped from the very thing that tethers you to reality is not for the faint of heart. You mask the pain through smiles, and with the 'I'm fines' they wouldn't care how deep the scars go anyway. Running, running, running as far as your legs will take you just so you can feel something again. Only to turn up empty when you collapse. Fists pounding the walls to mask the screams. The terrifying feeling of coming out short handed. The bad habits you find yourself involved in because you’re trying anything to forget the hurt. It hurts all over again mistake after mistake. Nothing can fill this emptiness. This void. This loneliness. This anger. One more cut, one more drink, one more flaw, one more mistake. Be mad at my failures tomorrow. Love is such a tender thing.

Grief

The hardest part, for me, is that the grief hits out of nowhere and it’s like a dagger in my heart. 

Oh, the emptiness I feel hits like a wave of darkness. 

The anxiety leaves me sleepless. 

I just wonder if it ever stops hurting. 

Will my soul ever rest? 

Have to keep going. 

Have to keep breathing.

Have to believe there is more. 

Grief comes like a thief in the night. 

To steal my very soul. 

Be Aware

Screaming in your car til your lungs are exhausted and feel like they are going to explode.

Finding five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste. 

Lying with your sweat soaked back against the coolest object you can find.
Sweat dripping down your forehead, to your nose, and to the floor as you reel in anguish.
Clenched fists, heavy breathing, fluttering eye lashes.
It’s always a little bit different.
But it always feels the same.
Locking yourself inside; feeling like solitary confinement.
Feeling so alone, but never wanting to go out.
Making plans and backing out.
Struggling to motivate yourself to do anything other than stare at a wall.
Being flaky even though you really don’t want to be.
Fountains of tears flow.
Some days are high and many days are low.
It’s impossible to catch your breath.
Pounding your fist against the walls.
Shaking, shaming, falling.
Everyday is a mental battle.
The struggle to get out of bed.
The motivation to do anything lingers in the air.
Then the guilt of not having completed one task overwhelms.
Some days are laughter, bright eyes, and optimism with a full cup.
Lots of days are dark, shallow with an empty cup.
No one can possibly understand the war going on inside your head.
The feelings of inadequacy and shame.
Many hard days add up to many hard weeks.
Sheltering yourself from the outside world.
Battling something so ferocious inside.
You seem normal to everyone around.
Inside you’re dying.
Inside you’re at war.
It’s ugly.
It’s messy.
It’s unbearable.
Yet you live with the pain everyday.
Deep breaths it will be over soon.
The gut wrenching pain has to come to an end.
Better days are ahead. 

Sometimes Things Aren’t What They Seem

Sometimes I can’t help this feeling.
There’s an emptiness inside.
The memories come back to haunt me.
Tearing down the walls I’ve tried so hard to build back up.
There is this pain resurfacing and I can’t run from it any longer.
I cut my way through school.
Blew a fuse on everyone that got in my path.
I allowed my demons to take me under and I’ve begged them to let me go.
The scars on my legs make for an interesting tale.
I don’t have to tell you anything.
I’ve run through so many open doorways and hit the walls beyond.
I suppress the agonizing pain within.
It wasn’t like me to care anyway.
I drank away the memories.
Found myself puking on the bathroom floor.
This isn’t what my life was supposed to be.
Yet here I am faced with this dilemma again.
I empathize with those who wonder.
Who know how this feels.
Reminds me of the nights I’d sit on my windowsill longing to be free.
Rage swirled in the deepest parts of my soul.
Causing a ripple effect.
Poisoning those around me.
Making me feel as if I wasn’t really there.
One smell; one word; one sound can take me back to that time.
I still long to be free from these chains.
I still long for the forgiveness I’ve never received.
I yearn to find you and pick up your pieces.
I know you’re out there somewhere.
My heart will continue to be incomplete until I find you.
I will find you.
I will do my best to put you back together.
To help you understand that you aren’t alone.
I’m empty until I fulfill this longing of my soul.
I won’t stop until I find you.
I know you’re out there waiting.
There’s this emptiness inside.

Time Struggle

I haven’t written anything since the beginning of school year. Life’s been crazy, life’s been busy. That’s the excuse anyway. Time. It’s something I struggle with. Time with my children. Time with family. Time with friends. Time to work extra shifts. Time to myself. Time to get back into shape. Time to cook home cooked meals. But most importantly time for God. I don’t read the Bible everyday and I most certainly don’t stop long enough to listen for answers that scramble in my brain all day. I need guidance. I opened my bible today and what verse did I see? Don’t be misled. Remember that you can’t ignore God and get away with it. You always reap what you sow! Whoa! Ouch! Yeah... that hurt. BUT on the plus side I needed that today. I needed God to shake me awake and show me His presence in all of my life. Not just when my heart stops and I feel I can’t go on anymore. This struggle I’m in, right now, is for a reason. I just need to stop and really listen to which direction I’m supposed to go in. Have faith that everything will work out and stop stressing so much. Today I’m gonna make the time to listen, really listen and feel His presence.