The best I'll ever be

Feeling alone tonight
Unscrew the lid to the next bottle
To drown out the pain
The cuts run deeper as the blood dries
Indulging in times of the past
The road to recovery is lonely
Just one last hit
I've told myself this before
Another tragedy strikes
The sorrows bury me alive
My heart can't take much more
My head is spinning
I won't catch up
I withdraw into myself
I'm on my own
Shortness of breath
Sweaty palms
My breath smells of smoke
The scars run deeper
I'll lie awake and wonder
If this is the best I'll ever be

And these are the thoughts of many days while I filter through the mess

Suddenly I feel numb.
My heart strings have been pulled to the point of fraying.
It isn't easy feeling alone.
The world around me is dark and angry.
Good times are tainted with screams.
All I wanted was laughter.
Tears fall as I fake smile because I'm obligated to please.
My heart is hurt and it's easy to see.
Laughter only carries so far before the anger explodes.
It's not like I wanted to leave anyway.
Step off and take a breather.
Learn to spread your wings and soar.
Stay in your boundaries and respect mine.
Hoping the memories will fade.
I keep falling.
I failed at protecting my heart.
Left it so exposed.
My room is dark with a candle light flicker.
I'm alone.

Relationship Suicide

Today I feel jaded.
Whatever the hell that means.
Your eyes have faded into an emptiness, bland, hopelessness.
Your gestures say romance but your tongue expresses ridicule.
Ugly, burnt, my heart goes ballistic in a moment of passion.
Those pessimistic statements linger in every rude and rhetoric bullshit you spew.
Does your heart beat?
Your anger explodes like wild fire.
This is so wrong.
But with every kiss I long for your skin.
I'm not ugly, I'm not ugly, I'm not ugly, but I sure don't feel pretty.