Saturday, June 27, 2015

I Don't Want to be a Mom

I admit, sometimes I don't want to be a mom.
Days like today when every little thing is made into an argument, I don't want to be a mom.
"Mom can you...Mom will...Mom...Mom...Mom..." during these moments, I don't want to be a mom.
When I am just trying to take a shower in a peace and all I can hear is screaming/fighting/whining, I don't want to be a mom.
When I am at my wits end and I just need some alone time, but someone is always needing something, I don't want to be a mom.
When I just did laundry yesterday and I look in the basket and it's half full, I don't want to be a mom.
When I sweep/dust/clean constantly and every time I turn around there are more flecks of the couch on the floor, toys in the living room, little bits of paper cut up into smaller paper, I don't want to be a mom.
 After I've cleaned every last dish and I go into the girls playroom to put something away (again) and I see more dishes on the floor, I DON'T WANT TO BE A MOM!
When I am trying to watch something on TV that isn't Sofia the First or Hannah Montana, but the kids are lingering over my shoulder, asking for a drink/candy/to get the arts and crafts down/to watch TV/if they can go out and play in a thunder storm, I don't want to be a mom.
When I have to go grocery shopping and they ask for toys/stomp their feet because they have to go in the buggy/pick up every stupid item that has Elsa on it, I don't want to be a mom.
When they have homework and can't do it themselves, I don't want to be a mom.
If I am trying to read my Bible or heck anything, and they continuously ask what I am doing, what I'm reading about, I don't want to be a mom.
When I get on the computer to check my email or print off coupons and they run up to me, "can we play pbskids" I really don't want to be a mom.
As I plan dinner and slave over a wonderful wholesome meal and they pick at it, stare at it, or make disgusted faces, I especially do not want to be a mom.
As I pick out their clothing and they say it's ugly and that they want to wear the same damn Doc Mcstuffins dress with their sparkly slippers, I don't want to be a mom.
When I work hard to brush the tangles out of their hair and do french braids and they complain and huff, I don't want to be a mom.
When I have a wonderful activity planned, but they argue about said activity, I don't want to be a mom.
When we have fun plans to go swimming/to an amusement park/something for them and all they do is drag their feet, fold their arms across their chest, or start fighting the minute we get into the car, I very much do not want to be a mom.
So many times throughout the day I think how easy my life would be right now if I was NOT a mom.
I would most definitely have more money, I wouldn't have kids rearranging my furniture (happening at the current moment!), I would be able to use the bathroom in peace, I wouldn't have to referee fights, and I most certainly wouldn't have to discipline (because that's the absolute worst part of being a mom!)
Being a mom is exhausting, smelly, irritating, and full of many sticky moments.
Despite feeling this way at least 1,000 times a day I know I wouldn't want to be anyone else. Being Kylie and Madilyn's mom is a tough job and not for the weak of heart, but it is also rewarding/challenging (in a good way), and at the end of the day I really think that I DO want to be their mom. Even when I am at my wits end.


Thursday, June 11, 2015

Raising Girls

They tell you to hold onto every single moment. That in the blink of an eye they are grown and you are only left with memories. It's true. It is SO true. My kids are only 7 and 4 years old and I still feel it. With every passing hour I can sense that their elementary years will be over and done with, and I am SO not ready.

Mostly, I think I am a good parent. I discipline when needed, even though I HATE that part, and I have rules/routines/fun things we do. I allow my kids enough in-dependency, but I hover when needed. I allow my girls to explore the world at their pace, even though I want them to just hurry up already. I lack patience, but I am working on it.

Kylie Jade turned the big 7 this year. It just doesn't seem possible that 7 years ago I had my first born child. She is a delight! I knew, when I was pregnant with her, that she was going to be special. She is so very special. If only she knew. She is starting to get into this weird age where she feels like TV shows such as Doc Mcstuffins are too young for her, but Liv and Maddie are too old for her. She wants to act old when she is around kids who older, but then she wants to act younger when she's around kids who are younger. Ah, I remember being at those weird elementary ages. You want to appear cooler than you actually are. My job is to help her see that she can be who she is all the time no matter what anyone says to her.

As I am learning the ropes with this parenting thing I see where I could have done better and I am determined to do better with Madilyn Kate. As Mads grows I see where I lack and think "just one more and I will have it perfect!" Right? That would be nice. To do everything perfectly where your child never sees you fall short. Where your child is perfectly perfect in restaurants, at the store, at the playground, or heaven forbid on the soccer field. I could have that athletic child who is just naturally good and has talent in every area. Artist! Actor! Dancer! Gymnast! Pitcher! Cheerleader! Soccer Player! And the list goes on. I don't have that perfect child, and when I really think about it I don't want that perfect child. I want my child to struggle, and I want to be there while she is struggling so she knows she can come to me no matter what! I want my child, who is a pretty darn good gymnast, to work for it. I don't want it to just fall into her lap, I want her to succeed because she WANTED to succeed not because she just had the ability, with no work, to succeed. I want her life to be a struggle within herself. I want her to see that SHE has the power to MAKE herself achieve her goals and not because she was "handed" it by the genetic gods. She needs to see that her parents believe in her, and that we will always be her biggest cheerleaders. I want both my girls to see their beauty. Their natural, no make-up faces and see that they are beautiful, whether one of them has long eye lashes and the other doesn't. I choose not to wear a lot of make-up and I like that I don't. I like that the girls don't see me obsessing in front of a mirror every morning. I like that they see that I don't think outer beauty is as important as inner beauty. I don't care what your face looks like, I care if you are kind, generous, loving, beautiful on the inside. It is an important lesson for me to teach my girls in this self-centred, cruel world we live in. 

Having girls is all around awesome. I relate to them, I understand them, and most importantly I have been there. I can just talk to them and they listen and vice versa. My children are no where near sheltered. They know about periods and why we have them, they know about good touch vs bad touch they know the words penis and vagina, because to me it is important for them to know these things. I call their a nose a nose I don't call it nosey wosey, purse, popcorn, anything than what it is. It's a nose. Her vagina is a vagina. This lesson is important when you are raising girls, because the world is bad. You see it everywhere. Rape is always lingering, and having girls you are more aware of the dangers of strangers. Facebook friend requests are screened, because I don't want my girls pictures exposed to hooligan mcgee over there who just likes to touch little girls inappropriately. My girls are aware of their surroundings. I have made them run skits over and over. If someone approaches you and ask you to help him find his cat you say "I have to ask (whoever they are with) first!" Then they are to run. They know this. Having girls you have to be cautious of the entire world around you it is a zoo out there. These young ages are the time to prepare them for what the world is. It is sad, but it is how it is now.

Raising girls is not easy, and I mention Kylie Jade more than her sister because I have had more years to practice this parenting thing. I am not skilled in this area, I fail all the time, and I don't think I will ever be a black belt in parenting. I will always, always, time and time again fall short. Kylie allows me to see my short comings, and my mistakes. I love that she sees them too. She can call me out on them, and that's when it is my turn to apologize for overreacting.

I guess my, not so sound, advice to wrap up this post is to enjoy the moments. They are gone too fast. Next year I will have an upper elementary student, and that is just crazy talk! The years fly by and no matter how hard you try and make them stay the same, they won't. Enjoy the toddler years where you are chasing them around the house to put on a diaper, enjoy the years when they want to lay in your arms to snuggle. Slow down, enjoy them. I no longer have toddlers and I miss those chubby cheeked grins, and the stumbling over as they learned to walk. I willed away those years and now they are gone and I will never get them back. Enjoy your children. They are only little once!

Madilyn Kate's birth day

3 years old at Tybee Island

Pre-K graduate

My squishy Madilyn

2 years old

Kylie almost 2 years

Her 4th birthday

Kylie's 7 folks

Catoosa Library for Fire Safety caught Madilyn sitting in Kylie's lap!

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Summer Time

Summer has been amazing! I think, because I know it will all end soon enough I am trying to savor every moment.

This week we have had mostly a home week. We got back from the beach late Friday so Saturday was playing catch up/doing chores. I finished all that in record time I might add. We got invited to go to lunch and swimming in a friends pool, so we took full advantage of that opportunity. Then Kylie Jade went to Open Gym at gymnastics where we got to hang out with our gym friends and just have a good time! Jill and I talked about Team and she said Kylie could come try out for free on Tuesday.
Sunday we spent most of the day at home! It was awesome we read/Kylie read to me, got work in the workbooks done, sight word/spelling done and just played some games and cleaned a little more after that we went out with a friend to Coolidge Park. We took a walk on the bridge and heard the music from riverbend it was quite fun!
Monday was another "home day" we spent the entire day home (except for 2 hrs when I went to get my check/deposit it and then to zumba!) We worked on the computer doing games, we did arts and crafts, and we had 0 TV the way I like the weekdays. The girls started off the morning by being outside for 2 hours and then we made smoothies together. Summer has been pretty relaxing so far! When I went to pick up my check on the way to the bank we got hit by a massive storm and then again, while at Zumba another storm attacked East Ridge. We saw trees pulled out by their roots, it was nuts.
Tuesday was the day I've been dreading! It was Madilyn's eye Dr Appointment day.  I knew she would ultimately be fine, but I also knew we were going to schedule her surgery. I was hoping her eyes would've fixed themselves, but I knew better. We were there for a few hours and finally Dr. Peterson made his way in the room. When he took a look at her eyes we found that the problem was worse and her other eye is also drifting. She has a vertical and horizontal drift which is highly likely she will need two separate surgeries! I am not a happy momma, but I got to do what is best for my little girl. We scheduled the dreaded surgery for July 3rd so now I have one more thing to dread. I am so sad that she will be getting surgery right before my birthday, but it was a good day to schedule it since Kylie will be at camp. After surgery I plan to take her for ice cream anywhere her heart desires. I am just so sad that she has to go through it. After eye appointment we went down to the Catoosa Library and took the girls to the Fire Safety day. Madilyn really enjoyed going to see the fire truck, Kylie didn't care as much for it, but she still had fun. We saw my friend Brittany after and Kylie got to see her friend Samantha and she really said she had fun in the 3 mins. she got to talk to her. Kylie got a bunch of new bathing suits and she was so happy. Later during the day I took Kylie to her new team try out and Madilyn had class. Kylie really liked the new team and I was happy with what I saw. She is going back next Wednesday for Team Tryout Day 2. We are really leaning with putting her back on team. I think she is talented and she really wants to compete. Gymnastics has always been her thing!
Today I helped out a friend by watching her little girl for a couple of hours. She was such a good little girl and I am watching her again tomorrow! It makes it so much easier that she is my friends daughter and she is super chill! I took the kids to the pool not long after she left and they swam the afternoon away. Now we are having Star Wars night with my brother and we got a pizza and free crazy bread! =)

As this week winds down the rest of the summer is pretty packed! The girls have multiple summer camps they are attending which include VBS silverdale, VBS lifesport (cheer also), CCS cheer, Gymnastics Camp, Dance camp, VBS Jones! The girls are very excited to start camp next week! I am excited that they will have a few camps away from each other! They really are bonding this summer, but they are driving me bat shit crazy at times. I guess that's normal with kids 3 years apart. Along with summer camps we have fun times with friends to look forward too. We are going to the Sprayground with friends, Kylie is going to have a sleepover, we are going to take the girls to see Inside Out with friends, and we have many other friend outings planned.

Just talking about summer winding down is making me sad. My little girl is going to PREK4 without me...I am going to pretend that isn't happening until desk day. 2nd grade/prek4 is just around the corner. So we are going to take this summer one day at a time!


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Family Vacation

Family. This one word can bring out many emotions. Perhaps happy memories of your childhood on a family vacation, perhaps it brings out sadness in remembering those we have loved and lost, or perhaps it brings you pain and anger thinking of how someone who is supposed to love you could harm you. Either way FAMILY has a meaning to you.

I have enjoyed my family vacation this week. We have travelled to Hilton Head for our 2015 beach trip! My the fun we have had. The memories my girls and myself will have will, hopefully, last a life time.

My oldest turned the big 7 on the day we left for the beach. She was so excited writing short stories in the car about her birthday! She got to pick out a cake of her choosing at the store, and she took full advantage of that! She was delighted she got to pick the place to eat in a different city than ours. (She picked Fat Babies Pizza in case anyone was wondering!) She had so much fun! The day was all about her. She got to run out on the beach on her birthday! How cool is that?!

The days have been somewhat long, but full of fun! The girls have had some great bonding time (perfect time to go to the beach right after school ends so they aren't completely sick of each other!) They've had fun splashing in the condo pool, building sandcastles, taking walks together, and playing at the beach and in the fountain! We've set out and explored around here and have found we rather enjoy this place! Most everyone we have come in contact with has been super nice, and the girls have had a lot of learning going on even on vacation, so that's been a bonus!

They have got to see and explore animals/creatures they didn't even know existed. Kylie has asked over and over again why there are tiny holes in the sand and John found out the answer was for crabs, worms, and other little animals to live in. She got to see a new creature, I am still not 100 percent sure what it is, but they named her "Shelley" she was a little creature (maybe a snail type thing) living in a shell. When she poked out she discovered it felt like a grape. She thought that was really funny! She made Shelley a "house" of sand and shared her finding with some other people on the beach! She polished her talking to strangers skills with asking fellow kids around her age what their name/age/grade they are going in. It's been super fun to watch her! They have learned how important sunscreen is and we have had many conversations on the importance of lathering up every hour! They got to see a shark and learned how people fish for a sport (which Kylie declares is one of the meanest sports ever and I have to agree with her!) Madilyn was very upset when she saw the shark bleeding from the hook. We had a conversation about why people fish and what the shark would do if it got off the hook and many other things. Kylie asked how the fishermen wasn't scared to toss the shark back in the water. She was amazed that he would toss it in and swim out. She asked me and I said I have no idea so she went up and asked him herself! She has grown so much since becoming 7. We brought our library books and have been reading most every night and Kylie Jade started the Magic Tree House series and is reading it to me by herself! She is doing so well!

Being in this tiny condo has made all of us a little bit closer. My mom, littler brother, husband and the girls are all on this little adventure together! It has been so much fun! We've had a lot of game nights, and the girls have gotten to watch more TV than they are allowed in a month at home so they've been excited because they have the Disney channel.

All in all I would say this vacation has been successful! We have gone on walks, discovered new restaurants and things to do. We have had fun conversations and a lot of laughs! I got to play tag outside with the girls and it was so much fun! We ran around barefoot in the grassy area and it was simple! Just hearing them laugh and scream was fun for me!

I'll leave you with a few pictures of our trip!