Yesterday was a Bad Day

Yesterday was a bad day.
You know those days where you are so exhausted, stressed and disappointed that everything hits you all at once? That was my yesterday. I know, in my heart, that God is providing me with everything I need. It's the desires that get out of control. Something as simple as the joy of taking my girls to a movie they have been begging to see. Knowing I have to say no -again- because the money just isn't there. I keep picking up more shifts at work and working and working and working and it just feels like I keep constantly coming up short. Then their dad goes and buys a new house (I really am so happy for him) and I get burst of text messages, from my girls, about how cool it is and how they wish that we could have stairs/a fire pit/a better neighborhood to live in. I let myself get too discouraged and I let the weight of the world fall on my shoulders. I had a meltdown.

I have been really working on myself to stay upbeat and positive. God does provides my needs and I  have everything that I need. It's the wants and the things I can't do for my girls that I want to do for them. Everyone keeps saying (well they are in a Christian school and do gymnastics etc etc) I know and I know they are lucky. What people don't know is I am constantly behind on paying those bills because electricity and a house are a little more important than those things. I know CCS is coming to an end for my family and it has been really hard for me to come to terms with. My girls love their friends, their school, and their teachers. It is going to be hard to let that go. The familiarity, the Christian environment I have always longed for my daughters to have. I knew, before they even existed, that this was their school. The past few years they have begun raising prices and families like mine that ride that constant struggle bus are barely affording even with financial assistance. I know these are their last years there and I have had a really hard time coming to terms with it. The most important years for Kylie are around the corner and the thought of her experiencing these make it or break it years in public school downright frightens me. I keep holding onto the hope that God will provide and that it will get easier, but it hasn't so far.

Work has been stressing me out. I go from one job, shuffle kids, to another job. I don't get to enjoy the little breaks with my girls as I am shipping them off to Amaw's, their dads, my mom or their uncle while I bust ass to make ends meet. I have felt so discouraged the last few weeks as my paychecks are barely enough to cover the needs and I know Christmas is around the corner and the wants are going to go by the wayside. It is our new reality and it has been a damn hard one to accept. The wants are just that wants, but a mothers desire is to give her children all the wants in the world.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I let worldly desires get me down and I allowed my feelings to overtake the truths. The truth is that God provides, God never lets me down and He cares about the little things, even when they are selfish. I know all these things are true and I am disappointed I allowed my emotions to get out of control. The last thing I ask for is a pity party and if you know me, you know I rarely cry. It's not what I do. Even as I worked my job last night I couldn't fight back tears of my failures and shortcomings. As my friends encouraged me and told me I am strong, I sat on the bathroom tiles and wept with weakness. I didn't feel that strong. Those moments were hopeless and desperate and discouraging. Everything I felt was too real and I allowed the world to crush me down. I held onto this memory of what my Pastor said in church a few weeks ago when he was doing a sermon on joy -"God wants you to get to the point of total desperation because then is when we cry out to Him!" I wiped my tears, picked myself up, finished out my shift and held onto that memory.

Yesterday was a bad day, but today is a new day. I will stay strong because that is what God has commanded me to do. I won't let the world get me down today. Today is a new day.

But those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31