The first time I laid eyes on Kylie Jade was like a sweet secret that we both just seemed to share. I knew there was going to be a lot of learning, growing, positives and let downs. When I looked into her big blue eyes it seemed that giving her the world was the only option I had. I didn't even really know this stranger yet everything seemed to be just perfect.
As we have gotten to know each other, molded into our mother/daughter roles and have added another crazy kid in the mix I see so much of me in her. It is weird when you raise a kid and you see your flaws in your child. I just want to play Fix It Flix and cover my tracks. Sometimes you just slip up, sometimes you just say things you don't even mean and sometimes parenting is just a big let down.
I try not to let my failures over shadow the positives, the good in parenting. Movie nights, tickle fights, crafting, shopping these are all the things that bring us closer together. Prayers before meals, going to church together and discussing what Sunday school was about are things that make us grow spiritually together. I know there are many times I wish I didn't say that, or I feel so frustrated I just scream out random gibberish just to get either one of them to listen to me. And sometimes I walk away. Walk away from the tears, the constant fighting, or the blood curdling screams. Sometimes it is just easier to shut the door.
I have been a shut door for most of my adult life. Door after door slammed into the faces of the people I love. I just want to have the doors always open for my girls. I know I lost it at times, and I am never going to be even close to the perfect parent. But I do want to be there. For the little things and the big things.
Having had two kids to maneuver and figure out has definitely been an interesting journey. I am watching from the start of the people who they are going to become. I want to teach them the value of money, of laughter, of love, of God's love for us. It is a lot harder than I thought to raise productive, not materialistic kids. In this world you either have it or you don't.
Before I had kids I knew where they were going to end up in school. I knew from the beginning they would be a part of mine and John's stories. Walking through the same hallways we did and having some of the same teachers we had. John and I have had to make a lot of sacrifices and I am not even sorry for it. We don't live in a fancy home, don't even have a garage, we only drive one car to cut down on gas bills, car maintenance and car payments, and we strive for the girls to see the beauty in it. Kylie Jade gets to talk about God openly. She gets asked her prayer request each morning. She gets to see the beauty of God's creation without being called a "Jesus freak" or being an outcast because she shines for The Lord. She can openly talk about her love for God and learn Bible verses and hear His word through her school journey. That, to me, is giving her everything. He IS the only way and if she can be in a school where His love is encouraged than that is all there is. It doesn't matter if I have enough money for that Barbie dream house or enough money for that second car or 2 story house. It doesn't matter. All I want for my girls is for them to have a burning desire to please Him and strive to have a closer relationship with Him.
This new year is going to be all about Him, all about striving to be more like Him, and asking for forgiveness more. Perhaps asking that He bring me Grace and Patience. If there is anything I want my kids to remember about me when I am gone it is that I had a burning fire for my Lord. That is all there is to this life. Nothing more.
