Love

Romeo said it best: "Is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn."

When I look at young love I laugh. I know I was once there, but for some reason I always felt me and John were the exception. Whenever I see teenagers gushing with love and showing off engagement rings I often wonder how long that will last. I had many teachers telling me the same thing, constantly. I have, so far, proven those people wrong. After 11 years of being together I think it is safe to say we will make it to the end. I can't imagine my life being spent with anyone else. I guess that's what these teenagers think.

Much like Romeo and Juliet I felt that fleeting love that I think every teenager has at some point in their life.  That surge of hormones that is telling you to do the exact thing that you are not supposed to be doing. Edging closer to oblivion. The dare of it all,  the quick game of chicken. It is absolutely thrilling to someone who enjoys rebelling all too much.

I can remember when all that was on my mind was sex. It was a fun to play this game.  To see how far you could go without anyone knowing.  The thrill to keep our secrets a secret.  It was daring,  it was rebellious,  it was sneaky.

In order to pull off the crazy antics John and I did we had to be crafty.  Looking back on it all,  it was really daring.  I guess that's what made it so exciting.  I felt like I was in the play. Much like Romeo stepping into a foreign world of people who hated me for everything they thought I was.  I have never been those things.  I was a lost teen,  who turned into an adult that acts like she's got it together... When really I am falling apart.

I felt that my love could keep us together,  glue us to one another,  and that everything could be perfect.  All we needed was my lips to touch his.  Teenagers,  they are so blind,  and Romeo and Juliet are proof that love doesn't take you anywhere but death.

I didn't know what I was getting myself into,  didn't realize how truly hard it would be to juggle a family,  a husband and finding myself... I never did find myself.  I have found myself lost,  searching,  floating,  but never having completely landed.

Through the impossible years,  the fights,  the threats of divorce,  the simple waste of breath on words that will never be taken back.  I see it myself,  our young love,  it always somehow pulls through.  He is that boy and I am that girl.  Completely wasted on each other,  drunk with love.  It is poison to the heart,  but it feels so wonderful.  If only for a minute,  if only for a little bit.  Then, like Romeo and Juliet,  it will end.  It will just be another fairy tale,  another broken story,  another tragedy.

I Miss My Husband

It's the first night in a long time that I have been without my other half, my mate, my rock, my support. I came home to a house with no husband. It was strange. Like perhaps I didn't know where things belonged. I began my monotonous duties as a mother and thought, this would be so much easier if I had John here. The girls were running around wild as their usual selves, but knowing John wasn't going to be coming home tonight I felt a little drained, a little bored and a lot sad. The girls cried hunger and I was heading to fix dinner when I realized John had eaten all the eggs. Loading them up to take them to the grocery store I found myself dazed. I started driving the wrong way and ended up at Chick-fil-a, and the girls were stoked. I ordered food and felt awkward not asking John what we should bring him for dinner. He wouldn't be eating dinner with us tonight. I pushed on and continued motherly duties per the usual. 

I am so used to sharing EVERYTHING about my day with him that I haven't even realized how much I talk to him until he wasn't there. They do say absence makes the heart grow fonder. It hasn't even been a full night and I am tired, bored, and missing my best friend. There are things to say and no one to share them with. There is no one sitting next to me, no one to goof off with. I realized living my life without him wouldn't be a life at all. God brought him to me because we are perfect for each other.

I didn't realize how much weight he pulled in the nightly duties, the chores and everything else. I really do take advantage of how wonderful he is. I couldn't ask for a better partner in life. I know I am blessed beyond measure with John.

The kids are stirring, they are getting antsy, they are ready for bed. I will go enjoy my time with my beautiful ladies and pray that John is save, happy, and gets some much needed rest. 

Monday seems so far away.  

A Few Things I've Learned From Parenting A First Grader

It's that time of year again. The time of year where I will give you a list of things your adorable, sassy, insanely loud six year old girl will demand for school. 

1. Always bring sparkly pencils, they help her write better, they are pretty and they make her all around happy during the day when it gets a little gloomy. 

2. Reading can be fun, but if you make her sit down and read it will take her 400 hours to complete a sentence. I am not joking. 

3. When she gets home she doesn't want to do homework, talk, use the restroom, or play she wants snacks. Lots and lots of snacks. 

4. Getting invited to a birthday party is like a rite of passage. Fortunately everyone has to be invited in order to pass out invites at her school, she still thinks she is special for getting invited to said party. 

5. If she gets in a fight with her friend at school and gets in the car with a mad face and arms crossed. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ask her what's wrong because she will take all her anger out on you and even after yelling about what happened it still will "not matter because YOU couldn't understand anyway!" 

6. If she gets in trouble at school the minute you pick her up she will be all sweet as pie and when you get the email she will say "oh yea that was nothing, it was an accident, I DIDN'T DO IT!" 

7. Nothing will ever be her fault. 

8. If you come to school to eat lunch with her she will be happy, but if you try and kiss her she will show her ever advancing ninja skills and block your kiss. 

9. Awaken her at the very last possible minute, when she wakes up she will either be so happy and chipper or it will be a constant battle of wills and it will have seemed Satan has overtaken her soul. 

10. If you forget her snack or water bottle, or lunch box you will never hear the end of it. "Remember that time YOU forgot...???"

11. Dressing girls will never get easier, tights, pants, shorts, skirts, jeans, this shirt paired with this shirt...ahhh too many possibilities. 

12. If she learns a new song and can remember the words to it you will have to listen to it every time you get in the car. Ear plugs may come in handy. 

13. Her best friend will be this person this week, but it will be someone different next week. 

14. Having a boyfriend is both "gross" and "cool" aim for gross, always aim for gross. 

15. If she tries to do splits, cartwheels, and handstands in class you will get an email asking that she keeps gymnastics at home. 

16. If her math facts aren't speedy she will blame the problem at all cost "well that problem is just stupid." 

17. Getting her to read sight words may be harder than pulling her teeth. 

18. Don't leave her back pack unzipped after checking her folder, my goodness the drama. 

19. Don't talk to her friends too much, they are hers and not yours for a reason. 

20. At the end of the day she will always be happy to come because you are her mommy and no matter what she needs your love, that stability and routine at the end of a long day of first grade!

Big first grader

First day of first grade

open house for first grade 

first grade picture

My Normal

Fall break means I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. I have time to become best friends with my bed again, and I have all the world to look into my child's face and study every expression imaginable (and boy does she have many!)

I have used my time at home to be productive by keeping the house clean, having a lot of one on one time with my little one and getting in more quality time with Kylie when she is home. I am not rushing around filling water bottles, grabbing a snack and rushing them to the next activity. I can breathe.

I have made such a great head start on the girls Christmas Lists I have several things in layaway, got some stuff waiting in the cart on Amazon, and a lot of stuff in the bags in my closet. I have taken this fall break to start on those things that would normally be pushed aside because working, maintaining a house, paying bills, getting the kids ready for every activity imaginable, and trying to spend some one on one time with each is just filling up my days right now.

I have really been intentional to spend time with Madilyn. We have played many board games, worked in her preschool workbook, and colored countless pictures. I have listened to her talk about her best friends, her likes and dislikes and what she wants for Christmas. We have spent most of the days at home relaxing and enjoying each others company.

As much fun as we are having this week I know we will both be ready for school on Monday! It has  been a fun week of just lounging and not doing much, but if you know me you know I like my normal!

Here's a few things we've been doing this week:

My girls getting ready for church 

Cootie game with this cutie

My beautiful 6 year old 

Cheering at a Halloween party 

Got a new Hannah Montana movie in old school 3D 

This child and candyland 

My girls eating at burger king on family night!

The girls got their ribbons this week 

Hayride with Emory 

Kylie Jade and her best bud Ava 

Doc Operation 

Kylie Jade receiving her achievement award

Sofia the first 

Little bit is a gymnast 

I Don't Belong to You

Do you even realize how alone I feel?
Trapped,  forgotten,  broken.
So angry it's turned to bitter sadness?
Wasted so many years,  so many tears.

Wished away my youth so I could grow old with you.
Wasted, drifting,  gone.
I will never be the same me again.
I lost myself in you.

I'm done with these silly games.
The idiotic way you carry on.
Bitter because you got everything.
I was left with nothing.

Bloody knuckles,  cut up wrist,  all the rage I feel.
Dance around those empty promises.
Stare at your pathetic ghost.
You lost everything because you don't care.

I don't belong to you.