Shortcomings and Failures

 I have felt like I had been failing as a parent. My oldest child's latest report card told me I could be doing better in the parenting department. As I have been scrambling to find a new norm and a routine that works well with gymnastics and my work schedule (which is borderline crazy), I have seen where I am lacking. Her Ds were in fact my Ds and I took it personally. I was somehow failing my kid because I cannot keep up. No I told myself, and that is how this vicious cycle started. The questioning of every move I made thinking, knowing it isn't enough. I am pulling the load of two parents and my shortcomings have been obvious. No, I reassure myself that I am not failing. I often have to remind myself that I am human and it is normal to feel like you're failing. That's just another wonderful part of parenting and I need to remember that. I am not failing, but I can be doing better.

About a week ago I made a decision to really get back on the parenting wagon. The last year has been all about finding who I am as a single mom and the kids care went more on the wayside as I tried to get a good handle on who I was and what my new role is as their parent. As I looked at her latest report card I knew I could do better. I will do better.

The last few years I have been going through the motions of going to church. I will get really excited about something, but not want to change my habits in order to make it happen. I was living life for me and God was on the fence waiting for me to come to Him. All that changed six weeks ago when I heard a sermon on Joy. JOY! This was something I hadn't experience in a long time. As I thought back I could name a few joyous occasions: the birth of my daughters, dancing onstage at the tivoli for my recitals, watching my daughter compete in her gymnastics meets, my children's birthday celebrations, etc. but I wanted to live a life of joy not just experience fleeting moments of joy. As I studied and began listening and applying the changes to my life I have seen a difference. Do I still have bad days? Absolutely. Can I find joy in something everyday? YES I CAN. 

My oldest daughter is 9 and while I am really enjoying this age I am also realizing how many changes are just around the corner for her and me. She is nine and she is growing. I know puberty is just around the corner (hopefully a few more years yet!) and I am grasping at straws to make sure I instill modesty, purity, and most of all true friendship into my daughter. The world today is scary. Friendships are where it can make or break my child. You are so easily influenced by your peers and it is horrifying to think of everything they can get into in the next few years. I know I need to start RIGHT NOW in order to keep a good balance. I went out and bought many Christ centered books on parenting and I am writing things down and applying them to our life. I don't want to look back at their childhood and wonder what I could have done better I want to be proactive and do better now, while I still can.

I know that spending QUALITY time with the girls is imperative for their growth, but I am slowly learning QUANTITY is important as well. Young children and tweens especially need their parents to be there to answer any "Secret" questions or model appropriate behaviors for them. Kylie's mind is developing fast and she is starting to question who she is and what she wants out of her life. I can tell you who she is -she is a child of God and He loves her no matter what trials she may go through. My friend has been doing a notebook with her child where they write notes back and forth if it is a particularly hard subject to bring up and so I decided to give this a try. While I have explained our notebook to Kylie I told her we needed to come up with a name for it. She calls it "secret notebook" so we can share secrets back and forth. She seemed pretty pumped at the idea and while she hasn't used it yet I know she will when she is ready. I do not want the notebook to take over our more intimate conversations face to face so we are going to use it as more of a starting point. She will ask a question and I will answer and we will get together and discuss it face to face, just the two of us.

The puberty talk is coming. I have written down kind of a guideline for how I want to start the talk and what we will discuss while using Bible verses to help guide me through the many questions I know she will have. I think I am ready though I am a little nervous.

I spent sometime with Madilyn, my youngest, the other day. I have realized how fast she is growing as well. I know she is not quite a tween and I still have time, but I want her to feel like I am spending ample time with her as well. I decided on picking one thing a week for me and her to do together. She gets to pick the activity and we can do it, uninterrupted, for one hour. As we sat in DQ (the place she picked for us to spend time) I knew I made the right decision to spend some uninterrupted time with my baby.

As I close this rambling I want to say that my pastors sermon on joy has radically changed my life and I have been feeling so fulfilled and inspired. While I do have a lot to work on and a lot of new changes to adjust too I know that this is all for the better. I am so ready and receptive to experience joy the way my God intended.