The Realization Of A Vulnerable Heart

I have done many things to be ashamed of.

I am by far from a Saint. 

I pray to be forgiven, but why do I feel so guilty praying for forgiveness?

I feel so alone even though I never have been. 

I don't cry very often. 

It's just one thing I don't like doing. 

I feel like a hot mess, and trust me, I'm just not a pretty crier. 

But last Sunday crying came nowhere near what I was experiencing. 

Anyone who knows me knows my vocabulary is limited thus I use swear words (or curse words rather) to fill in the empty spaces of the words I do not know. 

But ever since last Sunday I can barely read those words let alone say them. 

He died for MY sins and while He was on the cross He felt ALL of my sins, my shame, my guilt. 

It hit me like a bullet to the chest. I made Him suffer. Even if know one else was in this world I would still sin. 

I don't like feeling filthy, dirty, but Sunday I could feel how black my heart was.

My mannerisms alone are pretty naughty. I mean I usually back my world up with "I don't cares" and "who gives a....crap" 

I have shut myself off from the world just shy of 10 years ago. 

I'm not that same carefree egghead I was growing up, I turned into a crummy little punk. 

I have lived the past ten years in shelter. 

I had my heart tucked away because I felt anymore damage to it would break it completely. 

I began cussing, smoking, and worst of all cutting. 

My life was a lie and I felt it had no purpose. 

Even though I was surrounded by beautiful things, I let the blackened rose petals in. 

My heart was no longer carefree and it didn't even make sense why it hurt so much.

I spent many nights fighting back tears to prove I was stronger than anything. 

I was stronger than the pain. 

I know it sounds childish, but I acted out, like anyone does when their life feels too heavy to carry on their own shoulders.

Like Jesus, I needed someone to come out and help carry my cross. I needed my own Simon. 

Jesus, knowing every single shameful sin about me, placed him in my life at the time that I so desperately needed. 

Life has been an emotional roller coaster, but we haven't left each other's side (even though it's been tempting). 

As John helped carry the demons that were placed on my back, I still felt the weight was too much. 

My sins were too far gone and I didn't want to continue to ask for forgiveness, after all who wants to hear the same "I'm sorry" more than a handful of times, after that it just gets sad. 

For some reason I have wanted to prove that I am anything else but me. 

I wanted to shut off the caring, vulnerable side and well, really, just stop giving a crap about anything.

It took a few years to prefect the art of not caring, and I think I have gotten as close as anyone can get, but that's just not how I want to live anymore. 

I am human and I have feelings whether they be sad, happy, angry, or just down right hilarious. 

I, unfortunately, have lived off anger feeding it anything it desired so I could push away the sadness. 

But by doing that I have buried away a very important part of me. 

Sunday as my Pastor laid out all the dirty details of what felt like my life to be displayed for everyone to dissect and discuss I never felt so...filthy. 

I hid behind my hair as I sobbed for forgiveness. 

Every inch of beating, a crown of thorns placed upon His head, nailed to the cross to be shamed and die was nothing compared to what He felt because of the sins I have made and will continue to make. 

He felt forsaken because His own father couldn't even look at Him. 

Right then and there I felt the power of the Lord coursing through my veins, perhaps even gently tugging at my hardened heart. 

It was like He was telling me to release all the anger I had, release all the sorrow, the pain. 

I clenched my fist and pulled my hair closer to my face. I didn't even feel like I was sitting with the congregation anymore.

The tears just kept flowing and I felt so...vulnerable. The parts of my heart I have hidden away for years was now exposed for everyone to see I felt so relieved and ashamed all in one. 

As we all took the body and blood of our Lord I realized He did this for me. 

No matter how many people were here or not He would have done this just for me. 

If that's not love I could never tell you what is. 

I felt the most empowered I have felt in almost 10 years, so full of life, so rich in love. 

I want to carry this feeling with me forever and even though I have a long journey ahead I know with God by my side I can battle this. 

No matter how much I fall He will help me carry my cross of fears, burdens, worries, and struggles. 

For me worrying is one of my hardest challenges, but right this minute I have felt peace, because through God who strengthens me I can overcome any obstacle in my path.

I just gotta have faith. I just gotta believe. I just gotta open my heart again and because of one Sermon my life is forever changed.

I will serve Him.