It's All Going To Be Okay

I pray on a constant basis for my marriage, for the protection of my children, and for my soul. I bend often, but I have trouble letting go. I fail at so many things. When striving for perfection I fall short every single time. There is no escape from failure. It's a part of life. The only thing we can hope for is to learn from those failures and mistakes and keep pressing on. Life takes a heavy toll, my heart is weak, my mind races often with things of little importance, but it doesn't stop. The overwhelming anxiety I feel constantly makes me itchy, nervous. I feel so alone and then I feel so overwhelmed and coddled. It is a nightmare. My nightmare that I struggle with over and over and over again. It maximizes my failure and the failure of others. I constantly think of every situation and what could have been different. I can't shut my brain off. The wheels are constantly turning. Over and over and over again. I feel lost, a lot. Like I always catch the last part of every conversation. I am never present at the moment always contemplating what the next move is. I can't control the future. I can't control time. I can't control anything. So much pressure to let it all go, and I am overwhelmed at the beginning.

For a long time I thought it was me, I was weird, and I'd never learn to cope. As people have come in and out of my life I have realized how this is so untrue. I may be weird (for different reasons), but it sure is NOT uncommon to feel complete anxiety and stress. It has caused a strain in my life and I am sure it has in all my friends lives that I know struggle with this. It can be defeated and it can be controlled. I struggle with it every day, but I know it can be done. The overwhelming pressure to be perfect, to be pretty much everything I am not ever going to be has caused so much anxiety for me. I had to learn to let go. LET GO! For those who like to be in charge and take control of their lives this is almost impossible to wrap your brain around. Disappointments are maximized, failures are maximized, all those heavy emotions are maximized. It is so hard to control when you feel so out of control. I am learning, I am failing, but I am getting back up and trying again. 

This life isn't about winning, it's not about the battles it's about the reward at the end of the battles. What is waiting at the finish line. The only way to win is to submit. Submit the power, submit the control, submit to the reality that this life is only ours for an instant. Their lives are only mine for an instant. It will be over soon and what will I have to show for it? Stress? Anxiety? Mistakes? Worry? It's just something to ponder while you stay awake at night juggling through everything gone wrong.

You can't change the past,  but the futures up for grabs.