I Am Worth The Wait.

Quite often I find myself questioning my existence. Like, what purpose do I have on this Earth? I'm not liked by many, and the people who are supposed to be closest to me run and hide. I can't even get a hug without getting rejected first. I have felt useless for most of the past year. I get these highs were I feel like my world will be okay, but then I spiral downward and it is so hard to get out of the funk I am constantly in.

My children seem to be most identifiable by me. It seems everyone doesn't even see the real me because of my gorgeous girls. And that's okay. I mean I wanted both of my girls with everything in me and I am okay only being seen from behind them. Right now anyway. I, realistically, know I have a place, but trying to show others who want to stay blind to my changes has been a challenge.

I've kept in control of my emotions for the past year, for the most part, and I can see the world more clearly. I feel with more than anger and it has been a wild experience. I don't allow myself to hide behind hate anymore. I'm learning to love and let go of the pain. It isn't easy and often times I find myself reverting back, but I have to just breathe and remind myself that God is on my side. Always. Nothing I do will change that. I have struggled to have a true relationship with my God and it hasn't been easy. I'm not so great with the praying and I definitely don't attend church consistently week by week, but I want to feel loved and be loved and love with my whole self. It is hard. So hard. Especially when I take everything to heart and filter through the bad and the good. As I am learning to control my anger I have found I am way more sensitive than I ever have been. If you say something to me and I hear it the wrong way or take it the wrong way my guard comes back up. I hate being hurt and not caring was the best way to handle that for me, but it isn't the best way to handle that for everyone and I don't want my girls growing up thinking I felt zero emotions aside from anger.

I'm still quite the work in progress. I have set many goals for myself within the past year. I wanted to yell less and speak softer, I wanted to surround the world around me with love instead of anger and annoyance (which I still fail at often), I wanted to be a better wife and hear my husband more, I wanted to be a better parent and listen to my kids and discipline in better ways and be consistent and follow through on punishments more and not threaten what I am not going to do. I just want to be a better person and build a closer relationship with the Lord. I know I am worth waiting for. I know I am more than just Kylie and Madilyn's mom. I know I can be a better person all around. Express more empathy and show more kindness. I want to start in my home though. I want to show my husband he is the world to my little family and that his hard work is appreciated. I want my girls to know I love them, even when punishment is handed out to them. I want my house to be for the Lord.

As hectic as my schedule is I want to take the time this year to reflect on my life. The people around me. The world around me and spread the love. Big changes are coming and I am prepared for anything. Even if love isn't received back to me I want to love always through thick and thin. I want to make things right when everything is all wrong. It's a goal for the rest of the year and onto the next. A goal I may never achieve, but I want to honestly say to myself that I have done everything I could do. I have tried when I felt like the weight was too much to bear. I never gave up when I was given the cold shoulder. I just want to spread joy, love and cheer to everyone around me. That is going to be work for this year, but I believe I have it in me to do it! This is my purpose to prove that I can change from the inside out and show the people who doubt me that I am worth the wait. I am worth the wait.