I Am Free

Each year brings on new challenges. Every year I vow for it to be better and every year I get stuck in this funk and feel like nothing will ever change.

God has spoken to me so much over the last few months. I am always hesitant of change, but I know that it IS necessary in order to make a happy, peaceful life. I have found my peace. I struggled for much of my life finding out what was missing. I felt like I needed someone or something to complete me (which is totally unrealistic). As I began soul searching and finding out who I am I opened my eyes to all the things I have missed. Focusing on myself is NEEDED it is absolutely something that is worth putting the effort in because I MATTER. I have needed to stop living in a panic, in depression, in waiting, and finally just live. L-I-V-E no matter what Satan throws in my path. I am strong. I am able to handle anything. Anger and pain have always been things I  have struggled with. Why can't my husband understand MY pain? Why can't anyone see that I'M angry? Anger, pain, anger, pain. It was a continuous, corrupted cycle and I couldn't dig myself out of the hole no matter how many Bible verses I read or church services I attended. It takes discipline. It takes SELF discipline. 

When I made a commitment to myself to change it was so hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Turning a negative situation and finding the positive has been a pain in itself, but it makes me see the good in everything. I lose control of this peace thing often, but when I clear my mind and just breathe for a minute I can change my initial reaction to have revenge, or to place blame or to shout hate from the roof tops. I am no longer angry. I no longer hold onto hate for anyone or anything that has happened in my life. It is such a freeing feeling to have finally let go of it all. The pain, although not erased, does not define who I am anymore.

I am loved. Broken, angry, constantly making mistakes, vengeful. I am loved. These are things I turn back too when I feel like my life is going out of my control. It doesn't need to be this way...I hear that all the time. I have finally set myself free. Free from holding the baggage that I will never be good enough for you. Freed myself from the 'fat' comments that were etched in my brain. Freed myself from never believing I would ever be good enough for anyone. Freed myself from casting snap judgments and labels on anything unfamiliar to me. 

I am not perfect, I continue to make mistakes, but I am free.

I am finally at peace.

I am free.