On the inside : Girl World

Having girls is an unexpected journey. I am constantly lost in a pile of pink/purple clothing, dresses, tights, lip gloss, nail polish, american girl dolls, and so much more girly thing I can't even remember where they accrued half of it.

When I was pregnant with Kylie Jade. I longed for a son. I couldn't imagine a girl. Pig tails, dresses, pink anything. I was content to stay in my tom boy world forever. I couldn't imagine me toting a daughter to gymnastics classes and was pretty positive I never wanted to see a child perform in the Nutcracker ballet. I wanted to see my son run outside with his dad and skateboard, have that adorable bowl hair cut, and sign him up for football, guitar lessons and baseball. As my journey of pregnancy was beginning I was nervous of seeing an ultrasound that would bust my bubble. That I was, in fact, having a girl.

As John and I headed into see how our baby, the baby I was so hoping would turn out to be a boy, was doing I held my breath. The baby was sticking out its tongue helping themselves to what I had for breakfast that morning. "This baby does not want anyone to know what it is," the technician said. I was grinding my teeth just waiting for: "it's a boy!" To be announced. She jiggled the machine around as she tried a different angle. "It's a girl!" What? A girl? You gotta be kidding me right now. I held my breath for a minute. "A girl?" I asked, somewhat surprised. I could feel my bubble bursting. The images of my son, with his dad, skateboarding were distant, fading. A girl? What in the world would I do with a girl? I didn't like girly anything. I grew up watching WWE wrestling and playing outside with my brother. I was into basketball, and hip hop dancing and just anything that wasn't...girly. Makeup? Are you freaking kidding me! I can't do the makeup thing. Dresses? I remember running away whenever a dress was shown to me in the stores. This. Cannot. Be. Happening. "A girl?" I asked again...trying to hold back the tears. I could feel them forming in my eyes. Quick, act excited, don't let this embarrassing moment become even more so embarrassing. I did the best I could to keep the tears at bay, but I knew as soon as I entered the car I was going to lose it.

When I got home I pulled out the baby book I had received. I had already wrote my sons name in it. I looked at the two outfits my husband and I bought for our children when we would get older. A red and white dress. Velvety red on top, white layered white skirt dotted with red roses on the bottom. Then I looked at the black, fake leather, motorcycle jacket we had bought for our son. The image of him running around in this at two years old was gone. My son wasn't there anymore. It was replaced with this dress and I was just going to have to face that fact. I threw the baby book away, took a deep breath and readied myself for a girl.

I had a pink baby shower, my daughter, Kylie Jade's, room was painted a light green (for Jade). Butterflies and flowery purple bedding littered her room and I was getting very excited about a girl. Girls aren't so bad. I knew I'd have more kids and I had another chance or two for a boy, right?

May 29th and I was sent to the hospital to give birth to my baby. I was nervous. So nervous. I mean I was only 20 years old. Would she be pretty? Would she have bad genes and end up being overweight? Would she and I be close? Would she hate me? Would she change my heart? Would I fall in love with her instantly and be so happy that she was a girl? Would she make that longing for a boy, a son, finally disappear?

May 30, 2008 at 5:43 pm she was here. They held her up, but there was three of her and she was whisked away. Where was she? Where was my little girl? Everyone else was filing into the room to hold her and I just wanted a glimpse of her, the real her, not three of them. When she was finally handed to me I couldn't help myself. I started crying. She was beautiful. Perfect even. Why did I want a son? This child, was the most beautiful kid I have ever seen in my life. She was so tiny. The smallest thing I ever remember holding. She smelled like baby. The world was hers for the taking and I knew at that moment I would give her everything. My time, my money, my heart. She was just perfect.

As her sister made her entrance into the world I found that longing for a son going away. I don't need a son to complete my family. My girls have done that for me. As I lay in the hospital bed giving birth to my second daughter, on May 11th, 2011 at 12:58 pm it was magical. She was a chunk of baby and the cutest little crier on the planet. I didn't realize my heart could double in size, but it did. She was beautiful, perfect, and she made my daughter a big sister. I knew there would be jealousy, and I knew I would be lost in total girl world for the rest of my life. But looking at my two girls, my family growing by 2 feet, I knew it was all okay. Having a son would never have given me the bond I have with my girls. We share something special only mother and daughters can. And even when I have one angry at me, which is currently happening, it's okay. I know in a few hours she will be over it and she will be asking to bake with me, sing with me, play with me. I am okay with stepping over Doc Mcstuffins toys that litter my floor, I'm okay with the constant nagging of, "can we put on makeup!" I am okay with not having a son. I couldn't imagine it 8 years ago, but I'm living it now. It's beautiful, it's messy, but it's my life. And if I were to ever get pregnant again I would want another daughter, to share my time with, to talk about makeup, to share the secret of boys, and to buy dresses for. There is nothing better in this world than the bond I have with my daughters. They've made me into a better person and I will always strive to give them everything down to the last piece of my heart.