However I didn't feel stereotypical, in fact I felt incredibly alone.
Sure I had friends and a boyfriend and oodles of family, but it didn't change the fact that somewhere inside I felt so terribly alone.
My parents were going through a very nasty divorce and although I hate to say it affected me (I feel so exposed saying so) but it did.
I wanted so badly to be everyone's rock, the one that goes unscathed.
As I scoped out teachers and students I began to learn which ones would allow me to push buttons and which ones I couldn't.
As if researching for a big paper I kept mental notes about the way a teacher would reprimand a student within the four walls.
My journey to be "that student" was well on its way, what the appeal was I am still unsure.
As if adding to my rap sheet at school wasn't enough I started getting into things I shouldn't have.
Knife to skin, cigarettes and plenty of other dumb shit most adolescents find themselves conflicted with.
What was the appeal? Still to this day I have stories, but the pain from those stories will never completely fade.
As if I didn't feel like the must fucked up kid on the planet anyway I had struggles with things that were far beyond my maturity level.
I know in my heart he is meant for me, but the obstacles that were constantly being forced in front of us made John and I far too independent on each other.
I am not sure if that is how most normal relationships are, you know, giving up the things you love to do just to spend every measly second with what you presume to be your soul mate.
I feel like my world was spinning I knew inside this wasn't who I was and it was not supposed to be who I was going to become.
As I began coming out of my meek shell and into my hard one I found myself doing and saying things that are now very in character for me, but at the time were completely out of character.
I am sure I exhausted my parents beyond belief.
As I consumed myself basically with John I lost a part of myself along the way.
Suddenly impressing the world was more important than values or morals.
As I walked out of class for the umpteenth time I could feel the old me slipping away.
I flirted and was flirted on and would lead a boy to the depths of hell and then say "sorry I have a boyfriend" as if that is a way to treat a man's heart.
As I made a name for myself "the girl with the bracelets" and attended concert after concert I felt alive.
I felt like I had the entire world in the palm of my hand.
I had teachers minds wrapped around the thoughts of "why is that girl so fucked up!" I had the boys hearts in my hand to do with as I pleased.
Leading them on and leading them on and then forgetting what it was like to have my heart broken.
As if I needed a sign to tell me to slow down, I was going to fast to keep up with I got cheated on.
Oh, you know the high school thing where a boy spends an entire day with a girl, kisses her and then presumes he is madly in love with her, yea that kinda happened to me.
I felt like my heart got ripped from my chest and I called my male friend for comfort.
As most adults know at this point it is almost impossible for a girl and boy to have a "friend" relationship with each other without crossing some lines and doing something stupid.
As I tried to prove I was superior to the hoe and show my man what I could do and who I could be I slipped even farther from who I am.
I lost a big piece of myself then, as I have still yet to regain myself 9 years later.
I gave a lot of bad impressions telling my teachers exactly how it felt to have your heart dangling and then a dog just mauling on it.
Giving my friends any inkling into my fucked up mind, I thought I was free, I thought I was setting myself free.
I didn't realize that I was scared.
I had things surrounding me that I can't even fully describe.
I woke up with unexplained marks on my arms, it looked as if someone had grabbed me so hard and dug their fingernails deep into my skin.
I could hear something in the night, my skin crawled, my hair stood up on my arms, and I couldn't explain a damn thing.
I felt haunted for so long, so alone, so scared and I just dragged my fucked up life into others making them feel responsible for me, for my mind somehow.
When my mom put me into psycho therapy for the second time I regressed.
I buried deep into myself and never wanted to come out.
I was a turtle in her shell and I wasn't letting anyone in.
As my teacher tried and tried to pray with me, help me and encourage me I felt I had power over the situation.
Anyone that wasn't for me was against me and at the time I couldn't care less.
I flipped teachers off, spoke my mind, cussed out my principals and I didn't care about any of it.
I was screaming in desperation for help, for the hole I dug myself in, and no one was lending the hand I needed.
Instead I felt pushed into being worse, and doing more.
I have gone through many things in my life, but for some reason I come back to this a lot.
I never felt good enough for any one, and sometimes I still don't.
I never felt like I was worth fighting for, and mostly I find that to be true.
I made two of the best people on this planet and I want them to know with everything in me that they are my life, they are my loves, they are what matters in this painful world.
If I have done everything wrong, creating those girls wasn't it.
When I look in their faces I can't describe how badly I want to shield them from pain.
There is nothing you can do for a broken heart.
I know. Mine's been broken for quite sometime.
The only thing I can do is try and raise them right, repent to my Lord for all the hurt I have caused.
And although my high school years make for stories it's not who I want my kids to think of me as, remember about me.
If the only legacy I can leave behind is them.
Well then I'd say I didn't turn out all that bad.
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