No Happy Endings

 In the middle of the chaos I learned to blend in early 

There was never enough energy to go around 

I’d slip right through the cracks

Never held accountable for my mistakes 

Never learned life lessons 

Everyone was growing 

I was staying the same

No growth, no understanding, no motivation 

Haven’t healed from the crippling anxiety 

Haven’t come to terms with the failures 

Wasn’t one to break the mold 

Only the one to stir up the trouble so someone could understand what was going on inside 

Fight or flight and I flew like the wind 

Haven’t turned back and I’m still running 

Cuts to explain the pain 

Weed to fog my brain 

There’s just a hole and everyone can see through me 

The thing that is missing 

 It’s always been a part of me 

 Never knowing what felt safe

Just wanting someone to understand me 

Understand my fucked up mind 

Understand what I can’t even see 

There are those people that just keep spiraling 

There’s got to be an end 

Maybe, somehow, there’s a happy ending for me after all 

What have I done

The darkness surrounds the shadows making them fade like that last lingering cloud after a rain shower 

The demons catch me off guard because the bedroom is supposed to be a safe haven

Every dirty secret kept tally marked against the post on the bed frame. 

What have I done? 

The sounds of a forgotten lullaby lulling me to sleep 

Every strand of hair stands up on my body as I suck in every breath to escape the noises in my head 

The smell of fear takes a hold of me and reminds me of every reason why the bitterness remains 

Screams are no longer heard through the cracks in the foundation 

A knife slicing virgin flesh to erase the memories 

A darkened heart scarred and terrorized  

The people who are supposed to love me the most and it’s a constant let down 

A heart that’s ready to stop fighting 

A life that’s ready to stop living  

The sunrise surrounds the darkness bringing light like the candles at a memorial service 

Another fuzzy night clouded in haze to try and work through  

I look down and all the anger is apparent 

What have I done? 

The passing of time

 The ships keep on sailing until the end of time 

But time is one thing we never get back 

Grieving the days of the past 

Mourning the loss of all the things we cannot change 

Time keeps moving 

In some ways it seems that time is circling around us

Watching children grow into young adults molded and scarred by the world 

Time carries on 

There are times the tears stream and roll and you wonder where it all went wrong 

Just take me backwards so I can fix all that has been broken, mend the anger and patch up the hate 

Time stops for no one 

You don’t realize you’re watching your parents grow old right in front of you as you demand everything they have and suck their energy deflating them further than who they wanted to be 

As you blink and carry on through the wonderment of childhood 

Battling all the torments of the world - never knowing when your breath will be the last one 

Time will never stand still 

A grandparent passes and you realize that time doesn’t care if you’re ready it will continue ticking 

Ticking until that’s all you can hear 

Time passing 

Children don’t keep - and you waste your time waiting for the new milestones -that you often forget to enjoy the ones you’re in

Until you look back and all you have are photos and memories you’ll never have again

Baby toes and bottle feeding end in what feels like an eternity until all you have are eye rolls, feet stomping, back talking teenagers and you understand that babies will never keep 

Wishing time will pass in a constant stream of every day life - if I can just get through this work day, this hour, this month until you wake up and realize you wished your life away 

Everyday is passing And they feel like they are all the same 

Wrinkles begin to take over - white begins to shimmer in your once brown hair 

The breath you’re breathing could be your last 

Your body creaks and breaks underneath you giving up when it was just young and healthy not long ago 

You’re fading understanding that your time is coming 

All the memories are flooding back - refusing to accept that this is where it ends 

This is where it all ends 

Time’s a thief 

Abandoned

 One ugly weed amongst the most magnificent flowers 

Always overlooked, stomped all over 

Bent

Never broken

Growing in the middle of beauty 

I’m an oversight 

Finally plucked, discarded never measured up to all that beauty 

Forgotten, rotting, wasting away 

Thought I could suck all that beauty 

Take what wasn’t mine 

In the end I lie alone

Forgotten

Abandoned 

Alone

Down Below

Fuzzy brain and out of ideas 

Tell the shrink what she wants to hear 

Cut one deeper

Like the trauma on my sleeve 

Cut one deeper 

Like the shadows in my dream 

Falling, never quite reaching below 

Chasing my shadows 

underneath me 

Fuzzy brain, wounded heart

Heaven is so far from here   

Pulling off the petals one by one 

So far from where you started 

Keep inhaling, let it seep in your lungs 

Don’t worry about tomorrow 

Give zero fucks about today 

Let the promises hold true for another day 

Cut one deeper 

The damage is done