On the inside : To My Youngest Child, Madilyn Kate

Madilyn Kate,

The moment you emerged from my womb I was head over heels for you. Your chubby cheeks melted my heart instantly. After having one baby I didn't know it was possible to love another so much. Your first cry was singing to my ears. When I held you I couldn't help but want to wrap you with love and shield you from the pains of this world. You are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are perfection.

As I went through the next few days in a haze of getting to know you, and adjusting to life as a mom of two I realized it could never get any better than it is. I have been blessed with two amazing girls and I wanted you to feel it, feel all the love pouring out of my heart for you.

Every night feeding I adored you. Holding you, looking into your big, brown eyes, and smelling your baby smell. It would fade away all too quickly and I wanted to soak it up. I stroked your cheeks, kissed your forehead and slathered you with love.

Even your big sister got a big kick out of you. She wanted to hold you, snuggle you constantly and was your biggest cheerleader. When you first learned to crawl I was so sad, but also so very happy for your accomplishment your sister couldn't contain her squeals of joy!

Your first birthday I felt thrilled that you were growing, I loved watching your beautiful personality blossom. You had such bright eyes and the biggest laugh. Everyone can see your bright eyes and wild personality and we all love you for it. I was adamant on having the best day with you despite the nagging in my heart. I want you to grow, but I know I will never get any of these precious moments back and I feared all the the things I'd miss from you.

As the days rolled away into months I began to really enjoy you. You started talking complete sentences before I could even blink my eyes. You started walking at 14 months old and I was relieved. As much as I loved your baby phase it was time for you to gain your independence.

As you hit your year and half mark I could see the changes in you. I felt compelled to squeeze you, hold you, love you unconditionally and show you that. I could feel you and your sister slipping between my fingers. Toddler hood is overrated. If you stayed my baby girl we could be together forever. The reality was sinking in that you would grow up and one day I wouldn't be able to sneak in you and yours sisters room and whisper in your ears "mommy loves you!" As is tradition in our household. Ever since your sister was born, when she was in a deep slumber I would peek in her crib and whisper this every night. I have passed this on to you as well, because I do love you. In the first months of you being born when I would whisper my love for you, I would see a slight smile enter upon your lips. It melted my heart.

As your 2nd birthday approached I began feeling excited, oddly enough though I refused to make plans. Your 2nd birthday month is also your sisters 5th birthday month and thinking of her going off to school without me was almost too much to bare. As the months ticked away and people began asking me of birthday plans I would sheepishly reply "I haven't started yet!" It is so unlike me, but at the same time I was struggling within myself, trying to find that acceptance in that a few short years you will be entering the world of PREK and wouldn't look back. Your sister is ending her journey of PREK and entering the world of Elementary School. I couldn't come to terms with it.

Finally a month before I started cracking down and accepting the fact that, whether I wanted it to or not, your birthdays would be approaching. I will reread this next year to remind myself to get started early the pressure was unbelievable. In hindsight yours and your sisters birthday party was amazing, but I will update about that at another time. This, this is just for you.

2 days after your birthday and here I am sitting in your room and typing this letter that you may never read. I just want you so badly to know how you have changed my world. Without you I would be empty.

Madilyn Kate Rollan thank you for the laughs, the smiles, the ridiculous amounts of crying, the tantrums, the kisses, the snuggles, the hugs, and most importantly thank you for being you.

I love you forever and always baby girl,

Mommy