Be Aware

Screaming in your car til your lungs are exhausted and feel like they are going to explode.

Finding five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, one thing you can taste. 

Lying with your sweat soaked back against the coolest object you can find.
Sweat dripping down your forehead, to your nose, and to the floor as you reel in anguish.
Clenched fists, heavy breathing, fluttering eye lashes.
It’s always a little bit different.
But it always feels the same.
Locking yourself inside; feeling like solitary confinement.
Feeling so alone, but never wanting to go out.
Making plans and backing out.
Struggling to motivate yourself to do anything other than stare at a wall.
Being flaky even though you really don’t want to be.
Fountains of tears flow.
Some days are high and many days are low.
It’s impossible to catch your breath.
Pounding your fist against the walls.
Shaking, shaming, falling.
Everyday is a mental battle.
The struggle to get out of bed.
The motivation to do anything lingers in the air.
Then the guilt of not having completed one task overwhelms.
Some days are laughter, bright eyes, and optimism with a full cup.
Lots of days are dark, shallow with an empty cup.
No one can possibly understand the war going on inside your head.
The feelings of inadequacy and shame.
Many hard days add up to many hard weeks.
Sheltering yourself from the outside world.
Battling something so ferocious inside.
You seem normal to everyone around.
Inside you’re dying.
Inside you’re at war.
It’s ugly.
It’s messy.
It’s unbearable.
Yet you live with the pain everyday.
Deep breaths it will be over soon.
The gut wrenching pain has to come to an end.
Better days are ahead. 

Sometimes Things Aren’t What They Seem

Sometimes I can’t help this feeling.
There’s an emptiness inside.
The memories come back to haunt me.
Tearing down the walls I’ve tried so hard to build back up.
There is this pain resurfacing and I can’t run from it any longer.
I cut my way through school.
Blew a fuse on everyone that got in my path.
I allowed my demons to take me under and I’ve begged them to let me go.
The scars on my legs make for an interesting tale.
I don’t have to tell you anything.
I’ve run through so many open doorways and hit the walls beyond.
I suppress the agonizing pain within.
It wasn’t like me to care anyway.
I drank away the memories.
Found myself puking on the bathroom floor.
This isn’t what my life was supposed to be.
Yet here I am faced with this dilemma again.
I empathize with those who wonder.
Who know how this feels.
Reminds me of the nights I’d sit on my windowsill longing to be free.
Rage swirled in the deepest parts of my soul.
Causing a ripple effect.
Poisoning those around me.
Making me feel as if I wasn’t really there.
One smell; one word; one sound can take me back to that time.
I still long to be free from these chains.
I still long for the forgiveness I’ve never received.
I yearn to find you and pick up your pieces.
I know you’re out there somewhere.
My heart will continue to be incomplete until I find you.
I will find you.
I will do my best to put you back together.
To help you understand that you aren’t alone.
I’m empty until I fulfill this longing of my soul.
I won’t stop until I find you.
I know you’re out there waiting.
There’s this emptiness inside.

Time Struggle

I haven’t written anything since the beginning of school year. Life’s been crazy, life’s been busy. That’s the excuse anyway. Time. It’s something I struggle with. Time with my children. Time with family. Time with friends. Time to work extra shifts. Time to myself. Time to get back into shape. Time to cook home cooked meals. But most importantly time for God. I don’t read the Bible everyday and I most certainly don’t stop long enough to listen for answers that scramble in my brain all day. I need guidance. I opened my bible today and what verse did I see? Don’t be misled. Remember that you can’t ignore God and get away with it. You always reap what you sow! Whoa! Ouch! Yeah... that hurt. BUT on the plus side I needed that today. I needed God to shake me awake and show me His presence in all of my life. Not just when my heart stops and I feel I can’t go on anymore. This struggle I’m in, right now, is for a reason. I just need to stop and really listen to which direction I’m supposed to go in. Have faith that everything will work out and stop stressing so much. Today I’m gonna make the time to listen, really listen and feel His presence.

A Letter To Their Teachers

To my girls teachers as we get ready to start back school,

I know they can have hard days, just as you can, but remember they are my everything!

I am teaching them to be kind, raise their hands, don’t roll their eyes when they don’t get their way, stop talking and listen, and be timely in getting to and from classes. Just remember, they will fail at some point in the year. Be kind. They are my everything!

As I send them off to 5th and 2nd grades remember they come from a broken home, sometimes they need extra love, sometimes they will even have random outbursts and cry for seemingly no reason at all. Be patient. They are my everything!

My girls will sometimes be holding hands as they bound through those double glass doors, and sometimes they will stomp in as they bicker at each other. I know their attitudes can get in the way of your teaching. Be firm. They are my everything!

Some mornings will be tough as we’ve been rushing to get everyone everywhere and they may lose something or forget something at home. I won’t be able to go back and save the day. I have to work. Be understanding. They are my everything!

I have an ultra sensitive child and a mega sassy one. Their personalities are big and they sometimes can be overbearing to friends or other kids’ personalities they clash with. Be communicative. They are my everything!

We are doing the best we can with the hand we were dealt. Sometimes, I will be held up when an incident occurs. Be sympathetic. They are my everything!

Know I will stand by your side and help with any issues that arise. I will be available for any parent teacher meetings, and try and make it to a party or two, but sometimes I won’t be able to share in these memories. Be present. They are my everything!

When my child back talks or hides her face because she is embarrassed of answering a question in class. Be gentle. They are my everything!

When my girls don't have any money for ice cream or juice boxes and milk. Remember, I am doing everything in my power to provide them with everything they need. The extras will sometimes slip by me. Be humble. They are my everything! 

To my girls,

I will raise you to Be Kind, Be Patient, Be Firm, Be Understanding, Be Communicative, Be Sympathetic, Be Present, Be Gentle, but most of all I expect you to Be Respectful.

Sappy School Post

Time is just series of snap shots. I can never keep up. A new school year is around the corner, and I am baffled every time I step foot in the store and see shelves stocked with school supplies. Didn't this school year just end? That's when I get those butterflies fluttering around in the pit of my stomach, reminding me that in just a month, my oldest child will be heading off to her last year of elementary school. HER LAST YEAR OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! I don't generally get too sappy when an old chapter ends and a new begins, but this one is really going for the heartstrings. My sunshiny, artistic, fashionably late, hilarious, beautiful little weirdo is heading off to the end of an era. I am both excited and sad at the same time. These are the times I realize how bittersweet parenting is. The days are long, but the years are short. I don't know who first said that, but man did they hit the nail on the head! Some days I feel like I just tucked that lanky child into her crib for the night, and then I blinked.

School supply lists are posted and the impending doom of not having done the 5th grade reading is leering over me. I know I can't keep these girls of mine little forever, but can't I keep them little just a bit longer? I take myself back to the exhausting days of infancy and try to remember every detail of their chubby cheeks, sleepy eyes, and adorable yawns. It seems like just yesterday I was changing diapers and teaching those babies their ABCs and bragging about how super smart they were. Now the reality of multiplication tables, division, writing paragraphs and memorizing spelling lists fill our evenings. It isn't fair! I can cry and pout, but the reality is they are growing and I need to get on board. Fast. 

Even though every year is so different than the last, I can hold onto the hope that our relationship will grow stronger. I so miss the days of them learning to walk, writing their names for the first time, and being able to pick out their clothing. I will always have those memories to cling onto in times of stress and feeling like I don't know that preteen standing in front of me. I know as we enter this last, wonderful, crazy year of elementary school (for Kylie) we will have many ups and downs, many exhausted nights, and tons of giggly mornings as we get ready for school. I will take note of every smile, every lunchbox note, and every goodbye hug and kiss I get from this munchkin and I can hold onto the very reassuring feeling that I am not in this alone. And hey, I still have one more to get through elementary school, so if it doesn't go the way I envisioned, I will at least be more prepared next time around!