Sometimes Things Aren’t What They Seem

Sometimes I can’t help this feeling.
There’s an emptiness inside.
The memories come back to haunt me.
Tearing down the walls I’ve tried so hard to build back up.
There is this pain resurfacing and I can’t run from it any longer.
I cut my way through school.
Blew a fuse on everyone that got in my path.
I allowed my demons to take me under and I’ve begged them to let me go.
The scars on my legs make for an interesting tale.
I don’t have to tell you anything.
I’ve run through so many open doorways and hit the walls beyond.
I suppress the agonizing pain within.
It wasn’t like me to care anyway.
I drank away the memories.
Found myself puking on the bathroom floor.
This isn’t what my life was supposed to be.
Yet here I am faced with this dilemma again.
I empathize with those who wonder.
Who know how this feels.
Reminds me of the nights I’d sit on my windowsill longing to be free.
Rage swirled in the deepest parts of my soul.
Causing a ripple effect.
Poisoning those around me.
Making me feel as if I wasn’t really there.
One smell; one word; one sound can take me back to that time.
I still long to be free from these chains.
I still long for the forgiveness I’ve never received.
I yearn to find you and pick up your pieces.
I know you’re out there somewhere.
My heart will continue to be incomplete until I find you.
I will find you.
I will do my best to put you back together.
To help you understand that you aren’t alone.
I’m empty until I fulfill this longing of my soul.
I won’t stop until I find you.
I know you’re out there waiting.
There’s this emptiness inside.

Time Struggle

I haven’t written anything since the beginning of school year. Life’s been crazy, life’s been busy. That’s the excuse anyway. Time. It’s something I struggle with. Time with my children. Time with family. Time with friends. Time to work extra shifts. Time to myself. Time to get back into shape. Time to cook home cooked meals. But most importantly time for God. I don’t read the Bible everyday and I most certainly don’t stop long enough to listen for answers that scramble in my brain all day. I need guidance. I opened my bible today and what verse did I see? Don’t be misled. Remember that you can’t ignore God and get away with it. You always reap what you sow! Whoa! Ouch! Yeah... that hurt. BUT on the plus side I needed that today. I needed God to shake me awake and show me His presence in all of my life. Not just when my heart stops and I feel I can’t go on anymore. This struggle I’m in, right now, is for a reason. I just need to stop and really listen to which direction I’m supposed to go in. Have faith that everything will work out and stop stressing so much. Today I’m gonna make the time to listen, really listen and feel His presence.

A Letter To Their Teachers

To my girls teachers as we get ready to start back school,

I know they can have hard days, just as you can, but remember they are my everything!

I am teaching them to be kind, raise their hands, don’t roll their eyes when they don’t get their way, stop talking and listen, and be timely in getting to and from classes. Just remember, they will fail at some point in the year. Be kind. They are my everything!

As I send them off to 5th and 2nd grades remember they come from a broken home, sometimes they need extra love, sometimes they will even have random outbursts and cry for seemingly no reason at all. Be patient. They are my everything!

My girls will sometimes be holding hands as they bound through those double glass doors, and sometimes they will stomp in as they bicker at each other. I know their attitudes can get in the way of your teaching. Be firm. They are my everything!

Some mornings will be tough as we’ve been rushing to get everyone everywhere and they may lose something or forget something at home. I won’t be able to go back and save the day. I have to work. Be understanding. They are my everything!

I have an ultra sensitive child and a mega sassy one. Their personalities are big and they sometimes can be overbearing to friends or other kids’ personalities they clash with. Be communicative. They are my everything!

We are doing the best we can with the hand we were dealt. Sometimes, I will be held up when an incident occurs. Be sympathetic. They are my everything!

Know I will stand by your side and help with any issues that arise. I will be available for any parent teacher meetings, and try and make it to a party or two, but sometimes I won’t be able to share in these memories. Be present. They are my everything!

When my child back talks or hides her face because she is embarrassed of answering a question in class. Be gentle. They are my everything!

When my girls don't have any money for ice cream or juice boxes and milk. Remember, I am doing everything in my power to provide them with everything they need. The extras will sometimes slip by me. Be humble. They are my everything! 

To my girls,

I will raise you to Be Kind, Be Patient, Be Firm, Be Understanding, Be Communicative, Be Sympathetic, Be Present, Be Gentle, but most of all I expect you to Be Respectful.

Sappy School Post

Time is just series of snap shots. I can never keep up. A new school year is around the corner, and I am baffled every time I step foot in the store and see shelves stocked with school supplies. Didn't this school year just end? That's when I get those butterflies fluttering around in the pit of my stomach, reminding me that in just a month, my oldest child will be heading off to her last year of elementary school. HER LAST YEAR OF ELEMENTARY SCHOOL! I don't generally get too sappy when an old chapter ends and a new begins, but this one is really going for the heartstrings. My sunshiny, artistic, fashionably late, hilarious, beautiful little weirdo is heading off to the end of an era. I am both excited and sad at the same time. These are the times I realize how bittersweet parenting is. The days are long, but the years are short. I don't know who first said that, but man did they hit the nail on the head! Some days I feel like I just tucked that lanky child into her crib for the night, and then I blinked.

School supply lists are posted and the impending doom of not having done the 5th grade reading is leering over me. I know I can't keep these girls of mine little forever, but can't I keep them little just a bit longer? I take myself back to the exhausting days of infancy and try to remember every detail of their chubby cheeks, sleepy eyes, and adorable yawns. It seems like just yesterday I was changing diapers and teaching those babies their ABCs and bragging about how super smart they were. Now the reality of multiplication tables, division, writing paragraphs and memorizing spelling lists fill our evenings. It isn't fair! I can cry and pout, but the reality is they are growing and I need to get on board. Fast. 

Even though every year is so different than the last, I can hold onto the hope that our relationship will grow stronger. I so miss the days of them learning to walk, writing their names for the first time, and being able to pick out their clothing. I will always have those memories to cling onto in times of stress and feeling like I don't know that preteen standing in front of me. I know as we enter this last, wonderful, crazy year of elementary school (for Kylie) we will have many ups and downs, many exhausted nights, and tons of giggly mornings as we get ready for school. I will take note of every smile, every lunchbox note, and every goodbye hug and kiss I get from this munchkin and I can hold onto the very reassuring feeling that I am not in this alone. And hey, I still have one more to get through elementary school, so if it doesn't go the way I envisioned, I will at least be more prepared next time around! 

I Am Redeemed

In the stillness of my busy life I find myself searching. Searching for answers. Searching for hope. Searching for forgiveness. Searching for a way to get rid of jealousy. Searching for faith. Searching for a place of worship. Searching for quiet. Searching the depths of my soul to learn who I am. I search the internet in hopes of being a better parent, I search books at the library on how to cleanse my soul from my impurity. I search up and down and inside out for answers on all of life's toughest questions. I find my answers through His word. Through Christ I find strength and the searching doesn't have to be so desperate. I have longed for companionship and yet I have a companion in the Lord. I have longed for answers on where I am supposed to be in my life and yet I know God is holding my very life in His hands, waiting for me to ask, worship and pray so I can be directed in whatever it is He has chosen for me.

I have been doing a daily devotional with the wonderful little ladies in my life. I separate each girl so I can get the maximum out of them as we worship, read and talk. In our walk of faith we stumbled upon Proverbs 13:20 "walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm."
Whoa, I read it the first time. I had Madilyn then, read it out of her own Bible. I was stunned. In reality we all know that who you surround yourself with is who you are going to be more like. My walk of faith has been strained, I have let Satan beat me down and pull me under too many times to count, but I also contribute to that. A LOT. I allow myself to be surrounded by people who are going to pull me down rather than hold me up. I need to be held accountable for poor actions. I need for someone to breathe life into me instead of breathing fire. I have been surrounding myself around the very people I pray my daughters DO NOT surround themselves with. It was like a hole opened up and I stumbled inside and I couldn't find my way out. Kylie was next, she read that bible verse and had a lot to say about it. I crumbled. I became like putty in God's hands as He guided me on all the right words to say to Kylie about friendships, and I can only give that glory to God as I can't even recall the wonderful things I had said to her. I do know we have talked about this bible verse more in the past week than we have any other verse. I want my girls to be wise in who they pick as a friend. Proverbs 12:26 states, "One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray." and 1 Corinthians 15:33 says, "Do not be deceived: "Bad company ruins good morals." I can pray these bible verses over my girls in hopes that they continue to choose their friends wisely and steer clear of bad company, just like I have had to learn to do. I want the power of the Lord working inside me so much that my wheels are constantly turning on how to improve this world. I want all the little children to see God's love moving through me. I want my girls to see me being kind, loving, and forgiving in every opportunity that is thrown my way. And most importantly I want to pick the wisest of friends so my girls see the love of Christ; always.

I have prayed for opportunities to be a better mother. Kylie, in particular, has tested my patience over and over again recently. Last night as I was stroking her beautiful blonde locks I looked down at her freckled face and said, "you know I love watching you grow into such a confident, smart, hilarious little girl." She gazed at me, her blue eyes illuminating my dark room, "really?" She asked kind of scoffing, "you want me to grow up? You always say you don't want me to grow!" I thought about this, which is so true, I often tell my girls, jokingly, to stop growing. Who doesn't want their kiddos to freeze in time and remain the same for just a little bit longer? I stared back at her listening to her even breath as she breathed slowly in and out in and out in and out. "Kylie," I stated, "I so want you to grow and I also, sometimes, want you to remain as you are. There are always battles parents face, and one day you will understand. We always love watching our little people turn into these amazing humans, but we also want to hold onto you as a baby, toddler, preschooler, elementary aged child just a little bit longer. I want you to know, though, that no matter what I do not want you to stop growing because I cannot wait to see the amazing things my God has in store for you, love." She smiled, sighed and responded with, "mommy, you are a good good mommy." Shortly after she drifted off to sleep her eyes fluttering slowly and then shutting completely. Oh my, my heart melted. I looked at her beautiful, sleeping face and just wanted to freeze time, again, but I don't have to freeze time anymore those words will remain etched in my heart forever. God is working in me. I don't have to yell anymore to get my point across (although, no lies, I sometimes still do), and I don't have to berate or belittle or get angry when something isn't going fast enough (or let's face it: my way). I can problem solve and talk with my girls and stop allowing time to slip away. They need me and I need them and I am all in this parenting game even when I am at my wits end.

All this to say I am changing, God has His mighty hand over my thoughts, my heart and my life and for the first time in a long time I am allowing Him to steer my path. He alone can complete every need in my life. He can breathe life into me and steer me onto His course. He alone can help me as I navigate the world and continue to figure out what He wants to use me for. He alone gives me the words to say when I am feeling completely overwhelmed and He alone will use me for whatever purpose He needs me for. I think I have finally set this free. This constant nagging in my soul that I am not being used to my full potential. The constant fear that I need someone to do life with. The constant shame when I fail to do His work in the way I know I am supposed too. Today I set it free. Today is a new day and I know He is guiding me in the way I should go. Today I have found the very thing I have been searching and searching for. The answer has always been in front of me I just turned a blind eye because I wanted something more profound. Lord, you are leading me, you are guiding me and I am fulfilling my purpose every day. When I teach I teach in His power and grace. When I talk with a parent I am spreading the love and joy of Christ. When I guide my friends and when they guide me I am allowing God to speak His hope and joy through me. I have found my purpose and my long, lost search has finally come to an end. If I stop and enjoy what is around me, and stop waiting for something better to come along I can enjoy life more freely. God has changed me. He has transformed me and I am renewed. Thank you God, for allowing me to expose my vulnerabilities and not feeling ashamed of them. Thank you God, for working in me and not giving up on me. Thank you God, for children who forgive me even when I don't deserve it. Thank you God, for always loving me even when I continue to make the same mistake over and over again.
I am redeemed.