This isn't me

This isn't me.

Or maybe perhaps this isn't the old me. 

My head is clouded with all the things I long to say. 

But nothing makes sense anymore.
Maybe it never really did.
I feel a sense of loss tonight.
And I can't shake the feeling.
Heavy breathing on my left and emptiness on my right.
I can try and piece together what I was anticipating.
Failure lingers too heavy for me to bare.
Anger boils my blood and I know it's for the very reason I get sick to my stomach night after night.
I'm starting to think that maybe this is me now.
Washed up, forgotten, second to last.
Again.
Because I've never been number one to anyone before.
It's distasteful on my part really.
To Let my heart get all vulnerable.
That's what happens when you let your guard down.
I let my guard down.
Again.
Damn I feel stupid.
I feel so incredibly numb that I don't even cry.
Why would I want to anyway?
Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
I've grown apart from myself.
I just long for a familiar scent.
Maybe intimacy.
Or maybe just a listening ear.
It's been well over 24 hours since I've last slept and all I can do is chug down another cup of coffee.
At least it isn't booze.
I could just stare at my reflection, but today I don't need the shame.
Tomorrow I'll do better, but who am I kidding I say that everyday in hopes one day it will be true.
I've fallen and for once I'd like for someone to help me glue back the pieces.
They don't fit anyway.
This isn't me.

everyday is the same

Late nights
Another drink
Ease the pain
Shake the feeling

All the days are the same
Routine and mundane
Round and round
On repeat

Another hit
Drown out the pain
Another smoke
Erase the cuts deep within

Everyday is the same
Another lie
Another time
Another wasted day

To feel is a burden
To say what you're feeling is worse
Won't acknowledge the elephant in the room
To drinking let's drink again

Everyday is the fucking same

Can I Get A Little Help Here??

Worn out from another day.
Being told to forgive when all you feel is pain.
It cuts deep within.
I'm frantic as the tears fall.
Just take me away.
The pain is constant.
The fear of never being enough won't just wash away.
Keep running, keep running until you can escape the pain.
They say it's not my burden to bare.
But I carry it anyway.
Speak truth, but don't break me.
I try so hard to cast out my weaknesses.
The tears keep falling.
Don't point your finger at me.
I could just fade away.
I can't take it, I can't take this.
Did you see right through me?
I cannot breathe.
All these scars.
Forgiveness.
They say I can be free if I forgive.
Free.

The best I'll ever be

Feeling alone tonight
Unscrew the lid to the next bottle
To drown out the pain
The cuts run deeper as the blood dries
Indulging in times of the past
The road to recovery is lonely
Just one last hit
I've told myself this before
Another tragedy strikes
The sorrows bury me alive
My heart can't take much more
My head is spinning
I won't catch up
I withdraw into myself
I'm on my own
Shortness of breath
Sweaty palms
My breath smells of smoke
The scars run deeper
I'll lie awake and wonder
If this is the best I'll ever be

And these are the thoughts of many days while I filter through the mess

Suddenly I feel numb.
My heart strings have been pulled to the point of fraying.
It isn't easy feeling alone.
The world around me is dark and angry.
Good times are tainted with screams.
All I wanted was laughter.
Tears fall as I fake smile because I'm obligated to please.
My heart is hurt and it's easy to see.
Laughter only carries so far before the anger explodes.
It's not like I wanted to leave anyway.
Step off and take a breather.
Learn to spread your wings and soar.
Stay in your boundaries and respect mine.
Hoping the memories will fade.
I keep falling.
I failed at protecting my heart.
Left it so exposed.
My room is dark with a candle light flicker.
I'm alone.