On the inside

Sunday, May 15, 2016

My 5 Year Old

My baby is 5. My. Baby. Is. Five. When did this happen? How has it already been five years since I had my second child? I have so very much enjoyed getting to know my girl for the last five years. I have seen her grow into this wonderful, weird little person and I am so thankful God has allowed me to be apart of her life.

We celebrated her birthday on Wednesday (her actual birthday) with family. She had a small gathering at school then I picked her up and took her to Pigtails and Crew cuts to get her ears pierced. I secretly was hoping she'd flake out, but she didn't. She sat bravely in her chair pulled her curls back and smiled as they counted to three and pierced her ears at the same time. She was so, very brave. It reminded me of Kylie when she got her ears pierced at age 5. Madilyn picked crosses and was so excited. She said it hurt for a minute and felt like a pinch, but she was happy to have had them done. After we got her ears pierced we headed to the playground. She jumped, ran, climbed a tree and went on the swings. She was smiling and laughing which is what I was hoping her big fifth birthday would be like. After the park we headed to Zaxbys and celebrated with family only. My Oh my did she have a blast. She was so loved. She made forty bucks, and got many hugs and kisses. She enjoyed being the star and center of attention. I was so happy for her. She genuinely loved everything and had a blast celebrating.

On May 14th we celebrated Madilyn at Coolidge Park. She had so much has fun having her birthday party there. 31 kids came out and celebrated her and it was so fun! She got so many nice things. I didn't feel completely present because I was running around taking time to speak to everyone, but I know she had a blast. We were gonna open presents at home, but she absolutely could not wait. So we opened them at the park and she was so giddy with everything she recieved. My little girl got spoiled rotten.

Today we woke up and spent the day shopping. I took Madilyn out to the mall because she wanted to go to Claire's to buy an earring holder. She walked out with an earring holder, a necklace, a ring and two earrings. Next we headed to toysrus where she spent the last of her money buying a Sofia the first bath toy and live pets. She was so excited and happy that she spent her money buying the toys. I was proud of her she had some change left over and said well time to save again!

Now we are gearing up for the house closing on Tuesday and then Kylie's birthday party Sunday and her birthday on Memorial Day and finally the end of May will be upon us and we will be ready for June. With birthdays, the end of school, and the many other things that happen this month I am just happy to make it out in one piece!

I'll update again with pictures of my house once I'm moved in!

With grandma

Party time

5th birthday

Decor

Madilyn, Brilynn and Kritter

Birthday cupcakes

Aryana, Brilynn, Ella Kate, Madilyn and Kritter

Parker and Mads

Presents

Cupcake face

Some party guests

Big sis with MJ

My baby

Her loot

New dress

Shopping at Claire's

Her loot from shopping

Birthday girl

At school on her birthday

Ears pierced

So grown

Climbing trees at the park

On her 5th birthday

New back pack and lunch box

With gigi and grandfather

With her grandparents

Mads and grandpa Tim

Uncle Steve-o and the birthday princess and Kylie lol

She loves squibbles

The grandma's

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Endings

May always bring endings for me. The end of each year for my new girls, the end of the school year, the end of the stress of party planning, the end of spring and heading into summer, and the ending of a level of gymnastics. I often find myself super overwhelmed this time of year and this year I am adding in buying a house into the mix. I find myself struggling to come to terms with the new ages May brings. I have promised myself this year was going to be better, and it has. I am often so tired and cannot enjoy the moment, but I am enjoying every precious moment.

At this point in time my daughter has 3 more days as a 4 year old. I am so happy to announce I am excited for the new year even if I have cried several times! She's growing so fast and I am so lucky to get to enjoy another season of life with her!

Madilyn is turning into such a wonderful, brilliant little girl. Her smile is way contagious, her eyes glitter and light up when she is joyous and boy she feels joy much of the time. She brings so much comfort and love to my heart. She is lovable, funny, snuggly and always, always, always my little girl. She is so ready to celebrate her 5th birthday at Coolidge Park!

School is ending for both girls and I am still a little shocked that Kylie Jade will be in third grade! It seems so old to me, but I know she still has three years as an Elementary Schooler. Madilyn will begin her first real school year as a Kindergartner. I am beyond excited to see how much they grow throughout the summer and the new school year.

Kylie Jade has 22 days til she's 8! That just seems stupid old to me, but I am so very excited to see how much our relationship grows and strengthens. I can't wait to see how strong her friendship bonds get and how much better and focused she will become as a gymnast. Eight brings on a lot of new adventures and I am excited to go on this journey with her.

Endings are all fine and well, but I have promised to stay positive and now I look at it as a new beginning. New year, new levels, new classes, new life. It is so fun to think of the future and wonder what the girls will be into this upcoming year. God has certainly blessed this mother with the most wonderful little girls anyone could ask for. I am so thankful God chose me to be their mommy.

It is Mother's Day and I most certainly have felt the love today. Madilyn woke me up with "Happy Mom's Day!" And she handed me my breakfast. Kylie Jade ran in as fast as she could and kissed me on the cheek and told me how much she loved me. They pooled their money together and told me they wanted to take me out for lunch! That they did! It was adorable and I will never forget how special they have made me feel. I hope all you moms have enjoyed your little nuggets today and have felt so much love!

I will leave you with a few pictures and I promise to update this more often!

Mother's Day

Surprised the girls at lunch at school

New leo!

After dance class!

Thursday, January 21, 2016

I Am Free

Each year brings on new challenges. Every year I vow for it to be better and every year I get stuck in this funk and feel like nothing will ever change.

God has spoken to me so much over the last few months. I am always hesitant of change, but I know that it IS necessary in order to make a happy, peaceful life. I have found my peace. I struggled for much of my life finding out what was missing. I felt like I needed someone or something to complete me (which is totally unrealistic). As I began soul searching and finding out who I am I opened my eyes to all the things I have missed. Focusing on myself is NEEDED it is absolutely something that is worth putting the effort in because I MATTER. I have needed to stop living in a panic, in depression, in waiting, and finally just live. L-I-V-E no matter what Satan throws in my path. I am strong. I am able to handle anything. Anger and pain have always been things I have struggled with. Why can't my husband understand MY pain? Why can't anyone see that I'M angry? Anger, pain, anger, pain. It was a continuous, corrupted cycle and I couldn't dig myself out of the hole no matter how many Bible verses I read or church services I attended. It takes discipline. It takes SELF discipline.

When I made a commitment to myself to change it was so hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done. Turning a negative situation and finding the positive has been a pain in itself, but it makes me see the good in everything. I lose control of this peace thing often, but when I clear my mind and just breathe for a minute I can change my initial reaction to have revenge, or to place blame or to shout hate from the roof tops. I am no longer angry. I no longer hold onto hate for anyone or anything that has happened in my life. It is such a freeing feeling to have finally let go of it all. The pain, although not erased, does not define who I am anymore.

I am loved. Broken, angry, constantly making mistakes, vengeful. I am loved. These are things I turn back too when I feel like my life is going out of my control. It doesn't need to be this way...I hear that all the time. I have finally set myself free. Free from holding the baggage that I will never be good enough for you. Freed myself from the 'fat' comments that were etched in my brain. Freed myself from never believing I would ever be good enough for anyone. Freed myself from casting snap judgments and labels on anything unfamiliar to me.

I am not perfect, I continue to make mistakes, but I am free.

I am finally at peace.

I am free.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Girl World

Having girls is an unexpected journey. I am constantly lost in a pile of pink/purple clothing, dresses, tights, lip gloss, nail polish, american girl dolls, and so much more girly thing I can't even remember where they accrued half of it.

When I was pregnant with Kylie Jade. I longed for a son. I couldn't imagine a girl. Pig tails, dresses, pink anything. I was content to stay in my tom boy world forever. I couldn't imagine me toting a daughter to gymnastics classes and was pretty positive I never wanted to see a child perform in the Nutcracker ballet. I wanted to see my son run outside with his dad and skateboard, have that adorable bowl hair cut, and sign him up for football, guitar lessons and baseball. As my journey of pregnancy was beginning I was nervous of seeing an ultrasound that would bust my bubble. That I was, in fact, having a girl.

As John and I headed into see how our baby, the baby I was so hoping would turn out to be a boy, was doing I held my breath. The baby was sticking out its tongue helping themselves to what I had for breakfast that morning. "This baby does not want anyone to know what it is," the technician said. I was grinding my teeth just waiting for: "it's a boy!" To be announced. She jiggled the machine around as she tried a different angle. "It's a girl!" What? A girl? You gotta be kidding me right now. I held my breath for a minute. "A girl?" I asked, somewhat surprised. I could feel my bubble bursting. The images of my son, with his dad, skateboarding were distant, fading. A girl? What in the world would I do with a girl? I didn't like girly anything. I grew up watching WWE wrestling and playing outside with my brother. I was into basketball, and hip hop dancing and just anything that wasn't...girly. Makeup? Are you freaking kidding me! I can't do the makeup thing. Dresses? I remember running away whenever a dress was shown to me in the stores. This. Cannot. Be. Happening. "A girl?" I asked again...trying to hold back the tears. I could feel them forming in my eyes. Quick, act excited, don't let this embarrassing moment become even more so embarrassing. I did the best I could to keep the tears at bay, but I knew as soon as I entered the car I was going to lose it.

When I got home I pulled out the baby book I had received. I had already wrote my sons name in it. I looked at the two outfits my husband and I bought for our children when we would get older. A red and white dress. Velvety red on top, white layered white skirt dotted with red roses on the bottom. Then I looked at the black, fake leather, motorcycle jacket we had bought for our son. The image of him running around in this at two years old was gone. My son wasn't there anymore. It was replaced with this dress and I was just going to have to face that fact. I threw the baby book away, took a deep breath and readied myself for a girl.

I had a pink baby shower, my daughter, Kylie Jade's, room was painted a light green (for Jade). Butterflies and flowery purple bedding littered her room and I was getting very excited about a girl. Girls aren't so bad. I knew I'd have more kids and I had another chance or two for a boy, right?

May 29th and I was sent to the hospital to give birth to my baby. I was nervous. So nervous. I mean I was only 20 years old. Would she be pretty? Would she have bad genes and end up being overweight? Would she and I be close? Would she hate me? Would she change my heart? Would I fall in love with her instantly and be so happy that she was a girl? Would she make that longing for a boy, a son, finally disappear?

May 30, 2008 at 5:43 pm she was here. They held her up, but there was three of her and she was whisked away. Where was she? Where was my little girl? Everyone else was filing into the room to hold her and I just wanted a glimpse of her, the real her, not three of them. When she was finally handed to me I couldn't help myself. I started crying. She was beautiful. Perfect even. Why did I want a son? This child, was the most beautiful kid I have ever seen in my life. She was so tiny. The smallest thing I ever remember holding. She smelled like baby. The world was hers for the taking and I knew at that moment I would give her everything. My time, my money, my heart. She was just perfect.

As her sister made her entrance into the world I found that longing for a son going away. I don't need a son to complete my family. My girls have done that for me. As I lay in the hospital bed giving birth to my second daughter, on May 11th, 2011 at 12:58 pm it was magical. She was a chunk of baby and the cutest little crier on the planet. I didn't realize my heart could double in size, but it did. She was beautiful, perfect, and she made my daughter a big sister. I knew there would be jealousy, and I knew I would be lost in total girl world for the rest of my life. But looking at my two girls, my family growing by 2 feet, I knew it was all okay. Having a son would never have given me the bond I have with my girls. We share something special only mother and daughters can. And even when I have one angry at me, which is currently happening, it's okay. I know in a few hours she will be over it and she will be asking to bake with me, sing with me, play with me. I am okay with stepping over Doc Mcstuffins toys that litter my floor, I'm okay with the constant nagging of, "can we put on makeup!" I am okay with not having a son. I couldn't imagine it 8 years ago, but I'm living it now. It's beautiful, it's messy, but it's my life. And if I were to ever get pregnant again I would want another daughter, to share my time with, to talk about makeup, to share the secret of boys, and to buy dresses for. There is nothing better in this world than the bond I have with my daughters. They've made me into a better person and I will always strive to give them everything down to the last piece of my heart.