The turkey is roasting, the girls are giggling while watching some movie, and the dog is pacing back and forth as if she knows what craziness is about to ensue.
A year ago me would have cringed knowing that everyone was loading up their food, dogs, families, etc. to head over to my house. I would've been running around trying to keep everything cleaned and spotless so that people didn't think I was a pig. I woulda been overwhelmed because I didn't have time last night to finish the dishes. Not today. I am quietly sipping my Peppermint Mocha coffee thankful that I have children to stress about, enough money to that I have a surplus in my account, and endless amounts of food to fill our bellies. I am so thankful and appreciative this year. Last year I was still in a fog. The divorce left me stressed, impatient, and uncertain of what I wanted out of my life. I am determined not to let anything get me down this year.
Thanksgiving 2017 is about to be in full swing, but first I am going to take a little time to reflect. My life has changed drastically in a year and I couldn't be more thankful. I have a better idea of what I want out of my life this year and I am not going to let anyone stop me.
Well the first round of guests have arrived and I still have so much to do.
Happy Thanksgiving 2017.
Thursday, November 23, 2017
Saturday, November 11, 2017
Shortcomings and Failures
I have felt like I had been failing as a parent. My oldest child's latest report card told me I could be doing better in the parenting department. As I have been scrambling to find a new norm and a routine that works well with gymnastics and my work schedule (which is borderline crazy), I have seen where I am lacking. Her Ds were in fact my Ds and I took it personally. I was somehow failing my kid because I cannot keep up. No I told myself, and that is how this vicious cycle started. The questioning of every move I made thinking, knowing it isn't enough. I am pulling the load of two parents and my shortcomings have been obvious. No, I reassure myself that I am not failing. I often have to remind myself that I am human and it is normal to feel like you're failing. That's just another wonderful part of parenting and I need to remember that. I am not failing, but I can be doing better.
About a week ago I made a decision to really get back on the parenting wagon. The last year has been all about finding who I am as a single mom and the kids care went more on the wayside as I tried to get a good handle on who I was and what my new role is as their parent. As I looked at her latest report card I knew I could do better. I will do better.
The last few years I have been going through the motions of going to church. I will get really excited about something, but not want to change my habits in order to make it happen. I was living life for me and God was on the fence waiting for me to come to Him. All that changed six weeks ago when I heard a sermon on Joy. JOY! This was something I hadn't experience in a long time. As I thought back I could name a few joyous occasions: the birth of my daughters, dancing onstage at the tivoli for my recitals, watching my daughter compete in her gymnastics meets, my children's birthday celebrations, etc. but I wanted to live a life of joy not just experience fleeting moments of joy. As I studied and began listening and applying the changes to my life I have seen a difference. Do I still have bad days? Absolutely. Can I find joy in something everyday? YES I CAN.
My oldest daughter is 9 and while I am really enjoying this age I am also realizing how many changes are just around the corner for her and me. She is nine and she is growing. I know puberty is just around the corner (hopefully a few more years yet!) and I am grasping at straws to make sure I instill modesty, purity, and most of all true friendship into my daughter. The world today is scary. Friendships are where it can make or break my child. You are so easily influenced by your peers and it is horrifying to think of everything they can get into in the next few years. I know I need to start RIGHT NOW in order to keep a good balance. I went out and bought many Christ centered books on parenting and I am writing things down and applying them to our life. I don't want to look back at their childhood and wonder what I could have done better I want to be proactive and do better now, while I still can.
I know that spending QUALITY time with the girls is imperative for their growth, but I am slowly learning QUANTITY is important as well. Young children and tweens especially need their parents to be there to answer any "Secret" questions or model appropriate behaviors for them. Kylie's mind is developing fast and she is starting to question who she is and what she wants out of her life. I can tell you who she is -she is a child of God and He loves her no matter what trials she may go through. My friend has been doing a notebook with her child where they write notes back and forth if it is a particularly hard subject to bring up and so I decided to give this a try. While I have explained our notebook to Kylie I told her we needed to come up with a name for it. She calls it "secret notebook" so we can share secrets back and forth. She seemed pretty pumped at the idea and while she hasn't used it yet I know she will when she is ready. I do not want the notebook to take over our more intimate conversations face to face so we are going to use it as more of a starting point. She will ask a question and I will answer and we will get together and discuss it face to face, just the two of us.
The puberty talk is coming. I have written down kind of a guideline for how I want to start the talk and what we will discuss while using Bible verses to help guide me through the many questions I know she will have. I think I am ready though I am a little nervous.
I spent sometime with Madilyn, my youngest, the other day. I have realized how fast she is growing as well. I know she is not quite a tween and I still have time, but I want her to feel like I am spending ample time with her as well. I decided on picking one thing a week for me and her to do together. She gets to pick the activity and we can do it, uninterrupted, for one hour. As we sat in DQ (the place she picked for us to spend time) I knew I made the right decision to spend some uninterrupted time with my baby.
As I close this rambling I want to say that my pastors sermon on joy has radically changed my life and I have been feeling so fulfilled and inspired. While I do have a lot to work on and a lot of new changes to adjust too I know that this is all for the better. I am so ready and receptive to experience joy the way my God intended.
About a week ago I made a decision to really get back on the parenting wagon. The last year has been all about finding who I am as a single mom and the kids care went more on the wayside as I tried to get a good handle on who I was and what my new role is as their parent. As I looked at her latest report card I knew I could do better. I will do better.
The last few years I have been going through the motions of going to church. I will get really excited about something, but not want to change my habits in order to make it happen. I was living life for me and God was on the fence waiting for me to come to Him. All that changed six weeks ago when I heard a sermon on Joy. JOY! This was something I hadn't experience in a long time. As I thought back I could name a few joyous occasions: the birth of my daughters, dancing onstage at the tivoli for my recitals, watching my daughter compete in her gymnastics meets, my children's birthday celebrations, etc. but I wanted to live a life of joy not just experience fleeting moments of joy. As I studied and began listening and applying the changes to my life I have seen a difference. Do I still have bad days? Absolutely. Can I find joy in something everyday? YES I CAN.
My oldest daughter is 9 and while I am really enjoying this age I am also realizing how many changes are just around the corner for her and me. She is nine and she is growing. I know puberty is just around the corner (hopefully a few more years yet!) and I am grasping at straws to make sure I instill modesty, purity, and most of all true friendship into my daughter. The world today is scary. Friendships are where it can make or break my child. You are so easily influenced by your peers and it is horrifying to think of everything they can get into in the next few years. I know I need to start RIGHT NOW in order to keep a good balance. I went out and bought many Christ centered books on parenting and I am writing things down and applying them to our life. I don't want to look back at their childhood and wonder what I could have done better I want to be proactive and do better now, while I still can.
I know that spending QUALITY time with the girls is imperative for their growth, but I am slowly learning QUANTITY is important as well. Young children and tweens especially need their parents to be there to answer any "Secret" questions or model appropriate behaviors for them. Kylie's mind is developing fast and she is starting to question who she is and what she wants out of her life. I can tell you who she is -she is a child of God and He loves her no matter what trials she may go through. My friend has been doing a notebook with her child where they write notes back and forth if it is a particularly hard subject to bring up and so I decided to give this a try. While I have explained our notebook to Kylie I told her we needed to come up with a name for it. She calls it "secret notebook" so we can share secrets back and forth. She seemed pretty pumped at the idea and while she hasn't used it yet I know she will when she is ready. I do not want the notebook to take over our more intimate conversations face to face so we are going to use it as more of a starting point. She will ask a question and I will answer and we will get together and discuss it face to face, just the two of us.
The puberty talk is coming. I have written down kind of a guideline for how I want to start the talk and what we will discuss while using Bible verses to help guide me through the many questions I know she will have. I think I am ready though I am a little nervous.
I spent sometime with Madilyn, my youngest, the other day. I have realized how fast she is growing as well. I know she is not quite a tween and I still have time, but I want her to feel like I am spending ample time with her as well. I decided on picking one thing a week for me and her to do together. She gets to pick the activity and we can do it, uninterrupted, for one hour. As we sat in DQ (the place she picked for us to spend time) I knew I made the right decision to spend some uninterrupted time with my baby.
As I close this rambling I want to say that my pastors sermon on joy has radically changed my life and I have been feeling so fulfilled and inspired. While I do have a lot to work on and a lot of new changes to adjust too I know that this is all for the better. I am so ready and receptive to experience joy the way my God intended.
Sunday, September 3, 2017
When...?
When will it stop hurting?
When will I let go?
When can I start breathing?
When will I forget?
When will I stop making excuses?
When will I unmask the pain?
When can I run?
When will I stop hiding?
When will my heart stop beating?
When will I let go?
When can I start breathing?
When will I forget?
When will I stop making excuses?
When will I unmask the pain?
When can I run?
When will I stop hiding?
When will my heart stop beating?
Saturday, June 17, 2017
This isn't me
This isn't me.
Or maybe perhaps this isn't the old me.
My head is clouded with all the things I long to say.
But nothing makes sense anymore.
Maybe it never really did.
I feel a sense of loss tonight.
And I can't shake the feeling.
Heavy breathing on my left and emptiness on my right.
I can try and piece together what I was anticipating.
Failure lingers too heavy for me to bare.
Anger boils my blood and I know it's for the very reason I get sick to my stomach night after night.
I'm starting to think that maybe this is me now.
Washed up, forgotten, second to last.
Again.
Because I've never been number one to anyone before.
It's distasteful on my part really.
To Let my heart get all vulnerable.
That's what happens when you let your guard down.
I let my guard down.
Again.
Damn I feel stupid.
I feel so incredibly numb that I don't even cry.
Why would I want to anyway?
Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
I've grown apart from myself.
I just long for a familiar scent.
Maybe intimacy.
Or maybe just a listening ear.
It's been well over 24 hours since I've last slept and all I can do is chug down another cup of coffee.
At least it isn't booze.
I could just stare at my reflection, but today I don't need the shame.
Tomorrow I'll do better, but who am I kidding I say that everyday in hopes one day it will be true.
I've fallen and for once I'd like for someone to help me glue back the pieces.
They don't fit anyway.
This isn't me.
Maybe it never really did.
I feel a sense of loss tonight.
And I can't shake the feeling.
Heavy breathing on my left and emptiness on my right.
I can try and piece together what I was anticipating.
Failure lingers too heavy for me to bare.
Anger boils my blood and I know it's for the very reason I get sick to my stomach night after night.
I'm starting to think that maybe this is me now.
Washed up, forgotten, second to last.
Again.
Because I've never been number one to anyone before.
It's distasteful on my part really.
To Let my heart get all vulnerable.
That's what happens when you let your guard down.
I let my guard down.
Again.
Damn I feel stupid.
I feel so incredibly numb that I don't even cry.
Why would I want to anyway?
Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
I've grown apart from myself.
I just long for a familiar scent.
Maybe intimacy.
Or maybe just a listening ear.
It's been well over 24 hours since I've last slept and all I can do is chug down another cup of coffee.
At least it isn't booze.
I could just stare at my reflection, but today I don't need the shame.
Tomorrow I'll do better, but who am I kidding I say that everyday in hopes one day it will be true.
I've fallen and for once I'd like for someone to help me glue back the pieces.
They don't fit anyway.
This isn't me.
Sunday, May 21, 2017
everyday is the same
Late nights
Another drink
Ease the pain
Shake the feeling
All the days are the same
Routine and mundane
Round and round
On repeat
Another hit
Drown out the pain
Another smoke
Erase the cuts deep within
Everyday is the same
Another lie
Another time
Another wasted day
To feel is a burden
To say what you're feeling is worse
Won't acknowledge the elephant in the room
To drinking let's drink again
Everyday is the fucking same
Another drink
Ease the pain
Shake the feeling
All the days are the same
Routine and mundane
Round and round
On repeat
Another hit
Drown out the pain
Another smoke
Erase the cuts deep within
Everyday is the same
Another lie
Another time
Another wasted day
To feel is a burden
To say what you're feeling is worse
Won't acknowledge the elephant in the room
To drinking let's drink again
Everyday is the fucking same
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