On the inside

Saturday, January 7, 2017

What do I even title this?

It's 5:45 am here and I haven't been to sleep yet so bare with me.

Sometimes I feel like I am in control of every little aspect of my life and I have this plan, you know? Like, I know exactly where I am going and what I am doing. Is it possible for someone to come along and just completely change your plans? Like, someone you absolutely didn't expect to change how you feel?

Like, do you ever second guess yourself so much you literally become so embarrassed because you're like overthinking or overanalyzing? Does anyone else do this? Do you notice body language or lack thereof? Do you think maybe everything has a meaning?

Like, okay, I was pretty deadset on, like breathing and soul searching and whatever all that other bullshit you tell yourself you're going to do. But maybe it's, like way too soon to wonder where I am going. Although I really feel like today everything is just different. And how the hell am I supposed to know if it is? Uuuggghhh.

I know it doesn't make any sense and I know I'm rambling, but it is seriously 6am and we actually had some fucking snow so maybe I'm feeling a little...words words...I'm not good with words.

I am just feeling big. My emotions are big. My mind is racing 1,000 times faster than it should be and I can't type fast enough to get all the words written in black and white.

Just maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be. Confused...pretty confused...

Sunday, December 11, 2016

You Could've Been Mine

Wrapping up my daughter in a warm bath towel after letting her splash in the tub I thought of you.
God didn't choose me to be a mother of a son, but I know I would have mothered you and loved you so.
Kissing my girls cheeks and watching their eyes light up because they are loved and I thought of how unloved and broken you must have felt.
You are beautiful to all those that have been touched by your story I just wish you could've felt it when you were alive.
I look at your picture and read about your death and feel angry.
I would've loved you. I would've given you the world. I would've kissed your boo boos; not given you any.
As I cuddle with each one of my princesses at night thoughts of your final days race through my brain.
I am a Christian and I do believe I am pretty strong in my faith, though I'm not gonna lie, when I read how you died I couldn't wrap my brain around how a loving God could allow this to happen to you.
You could've been mine and you would've gotten the world.
How could God allow this child to be beaten and tortured?
Your precious 3 year old body going through things I could never fathom.
As I pray about it I know my faith must remain unshaken.
You're in heaven, you're loved, you never have to experience the cruelty of this world ever again.
Still your story lingers in my heart and in my mind.
I hug my daughter's tighter because of you.
I make sure the last thing they hear me say whenever we have to be away is "I love you!"
They could be taken in a split second, and you reminded me of that.
Scotty McMillan I will always remember you, even though I never got the pleasure of meeting you, know that I will never forget your short life here on Earth.
I love you, Scotty and all that you were.
My heart just can't handle the fact that you could've had all the love this world has to offer.
You could've been mine.

Monday, October 3, 2016

A Week Ago

There is something so rewarding in letting go of a toxic person. There is a sense of peace and the anxiety and anguish once previously captivating just melts away.

This advice was given by so many and yet I refused to listen allowing myself to get sucked back into the pain over and over. I learned the hard way I would never be good enough, and yet, I continued trying to prove to myself that I am. Why do I allow one person to control my self worth? I'm loved and adored by so many, and yet I couldn't see it...or maybe I just didn't want too.

A week ago I made the decision that I am not going to be disrespected, talked down too, or made to feel so small and a week ago I let it go. The pain has diminished significantly and I can finally a breathe a breath of fresh air. I am better than the negativty, I am better than the cheating and the lies. I am better.

One week ago I shut the door to my past, one week ago I made a change. It was completely worth it.

You can't control me anymore.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Dead End

Standing at the beginning of a fork in the road I had to decide which path I should take. On the left side a sign reads: "Dead End!" But there is no end in sight. It is beautiful, blooming trees, flowers along the pathway, and it is straight. It looks to be an easy path and it is so bright and deceiving. I turn to my right and it is dark, twists and turns, uphill and downhill, boulders blocking the road and flashes of lightening and noisy thunder exploding through the sky. On that sign it reads "Redemption!" This is how my Christian journey has been, one side represents denial, rejection, anger and fear while the scary path represents redemption. Redemption is what my soul yearns for, but the path looks exhausting, overwhelming and downright frightening.

You see, I am a planner, and I don't like unexpected twists and turns. I like easy and being able to see one foot in front of the other. The problem with this is God doesn't really care about my planning, He cares about my destiny. He does not make the path to redemption easy, nor should He. I know, in my heart, I'm going to take the path that leads to redemption, but it doesn't mean I am not scared. I have had to climb mountains when I am scared of heights, I've had to put out fires when they start to become uncontrollable with huge flames, I've had to move boulders when sweat was running down my back and I couldn't feel my body as I leveled my breath and heaved it out of my way, but I know that redemption is near.

Before I felt my purpose in life I started down the wrong path. You know the beautiful one that looks so easy and fulfilling? It wasn't. I allowed fear to control me, I fell so many times and succumbed to the pressures of the world. I stepped into unforseen quick sand and struggled to get out. Pulling and fighting til I sunk deeper and deeper in the hole I willingly walked into. It wasn't pretty and I finally gave in and looked up and accepted that I can't do it alone. I can't do it by myself. And with a snap of His fingers I was lifted up and set on the "scary" path. My feet were shaky, my breath short, but I took the first few steps blindly and felt His hands guiding me.

Is the way my life turning out the way I planned? Far from it, but I do know fully well it is God's plan. This time, though, I'm not running, not stumbling, but following blindly as God leads me through. I don't know what is around the next turn and whether it will be uphill or downhill or me moving boulders and branches out of the way, what I do know is that I'm fully relying on God to lead me where He wants me to go next. I can rest easy knowing that if I stumble and fall He will pick me back up, dust me off, and hold my hand through the prickly thorns.

I will never be alone. God chose me for His purpose and I want my girls to see me fulfill this purpose. I want them to look back on their childhood and remember their mother was love. I want them to see that their mother is redeemed and that God loves her so. I want them to see me stumble, but I want them to see me get back up and continue on even when it is difficult to do so.

Lord,
Help me continue to follow You. Help myself and my girls to see Your bigger plan. Please surround us with people who will bring us closer to You and to grow in our relationship with You. Help us to see Your love through the difficult times.
I want to pray for those who have taken the "Dead End" path. I pray you bring them home and that you will use me as a tool to show Your love through the trying times. Help me to be love even when I struggle to be.
In your name I pray,
Amen.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

It Has Been A Month

It's been a little over a month since my last post. I had started several blog posts, but just never got around to finishing them (always on the go and not much time to sit and collect my thoughts).

First and foremost my baby girl, who isn't such a baby anymore, celebrated her 8th birthday. Her party was fantastic and all of her close friends showed up and came to celebrate her. She had a swim party and it was perfect. Small, short and sweet and not overwhelming in the least. Being so overwhelmed with all the changes in our family I left almost everything at home, but it was okay my friends were all understanding! The most important thing was Kylie Jade felt important and that was all that mattered.

Her actual birthday we celebrated on May 30 (Memorial Day this year). We had so many family members show up and spoil my baby girl. She had a blast. She ate her favorite thing, a bean burrito smothered in cheese sauce, and she loved being the center of attention. She got many nice gifts and she was so happy. Afterward we went shopping. She picked Target where she got an Easy Bake Oven and Peaches (a knock off brand American Girl doll horse). Then we headed the Justice where she bought out everything that said Gymnast or Gymnastics on it and shopped til she dropped. It was fun just being with my little girl.

On top of birthdays we moved into our new house. The girls are settled in and enjoying their new rooms, and the new normal. They have really taken a liking to their house and they thank me all the time for buying a new house! It is so cute.

Speaking of a new house I have never mowed the lawn before. EVER. So I did that about a week ago for the first time and it was awesome. I really enjoyed the exercise, the fresh out and just making lines with the lawn mower. I see why people enjoy cutting their grass.

Our vacation went well. It was my girls and I, my mom and my two nieces. The girls all enjoyed soaking in the sand, wave hopping, making "treats" with sand and playing shop. They talked about how people sell things and get enough merchandise to sell food/toys/etc and that was a good talk we had with them. We ended our beach days at the pool where the girls would dive for water toys and play Mermaid. It was a relaxing vacation. We went to the Pier and the girls rode a roller coaster, ate ice cream and we walked around and had great conversation. We also went to eat at Margartiaville and drove around scoping out the place. The kids played card games on the one rainy day we had and we spent a lot of time in the kitchen making lunches and dinner. It was a good vacation and seeing the girls all have fun and make memories together was such a sweet sight to see. Our girls will always remember the beach vacation with their cousins. And I hope they have the fondest of memories with it.

We came back from vacation a week ago yesterday and my calendar has been jammed pack. I loved having time at the beach because it was slow paced and we took our time and all we had to look forward to was sand, waves, sun tanning, and fun. We came back late Friday and I hit the grocery store first thing. Saturday we woke up and went to a birthday party for Jack at the YMCA, Sunday we had a 2 hour picnic at the park with our friends and Kylie's best friend, Liam we went and got Zootopia and had a movie night! Monday I went to work and the girls came with me and they absolutely loved that. Tuesday the girls had a pediatrician appointment (that went great), gymnastics and spent the night with their dad and I worked both my jobs. Wednesday I worked and then got Madilyn and we went swimming and had such a fun time together. Thursday got both girls with me to work and they loved it! John took them to gym at night and I worked my second job. Yesterday we got up early and met a friend for swimming at Stuart Heights it was so much fun! Madilyn got to go with her friend Sam and they had a blast. Kylie loved jumping off the diving board and I enjoyed hanging out with my friend and talking. After we left their house we went straight to the gym Kylie did her level 4 practice and Madilyn made a new friend. I enjoyed watching Kylie Jade. She did several cartwheels on the beam (which she struggles in confidence with, she will gain it back!), and she tried a round off, off the vault table. I was SUPER proud of her because she was so scared and nervous to do it. Several times she ran and stopped before she jumped and she kept giving me the I can't do it face. I just gave her the thumbs up and she smiled and did it. I was so proud that so overcame the fear and went for it. She is so brave! After gymnastics I took the girls to go see Finding Dory with a our friends! Ava, Henry, and Emory. The girls LOVED the movie and Madilyn said she was so happy I took her to see it. We got home a little after 10 and they took a shower and passed right out. Today is another birthday party for Madilyn's friend, Max and we are gonna hang around and talk to our friends.

I am happy this summer is kicking off eventful and it won't stop there we are busy throughout the month of July. I am really happy that I get to spend the summer with my girls and they get to have fun, and just enjoy being a kid. They both are very much enjoying their time off school even if they are a little school sick. I love watching them grow in the summer and we still find many ways to learn and brush up on our school work!

I guess that is about it. I will try and keep this updated though I don't have much time to just and type out my life. Either way here is the last almost full month in review.